Feeding my Artist

My husband and I met with a common passion for the English language.  We were both writing majors in college, though he has always been a deeper writer than I.  His writing will make your head spin with emotions and new ways of looking at the world.  When I first read his poetry I used to think, I must not be smart enough to understand this, but now I know that his poetry is not intended to be understood at the brain-level; it's meant to speak to raw human emotions.  You're not supposed to use your smarts to understand; you're supposed to let go of any attempt to understand it with your head and just experience and perceive the way the chain of words make you feel. 

Circumstances have happened which have prevented me from writing like I did when we first met.  I still write.  Boy, do I write.  I write newsletter articles, sermons, prayers, e-mails, cards, grant proposals, more e-mails, Facebook statuses.  I don't write poetry anymore.  I don't write short stories anymore.  I don't even write liturgy anymore, even though it would easily fit into my job description.  It just doesn't happen.  

Maic writes every single day.  He writes poems and short stories, novellas, fiction and non-fiction, comic strips.  He writes liturgy. 

Sometimes it's painful for me to see him write.  I'm a tad jealous of him.  While he is writing about these deep, raw human experiences in rhythmic and expressive ways, I am struggling to express myself or did deeper into understanding who it is that God called me to be.  I don't want that jealousy to be misunderstood-- I am so, so proud of him for the work he puts into his writing; it's hard for me to be disciplined enough to carve out the time for it like he has learned to do.  I yearn for that self-discipline.  

I believe that I am an artist.  I don't always make the most beautiful art, but through the act of creating, God knows how to speak to my soul.  Writing, drawing, crafting, baking, painting, and even music are ways in which I'm able to understand what God wants to say to me and through me.   

So what am I getting at? 

I'm trying to say that it's no wonder that-- when I stopped writing poetry, when I stopped drawing, when I stopped making music, when I stopped baking-- my well ran dry.  

I'm not a very confident person about many aspects of my life but there are two things I can say with confidence: I'm a good mom and I'm a good pastor.  Even when my well is running dry, I can manage to find the love to give to my church and to my kids.  I can find the words to help them see God.  I can find the energy to serve.  But you can only serve and serve and serve so long before you pass out in the middle of church.  

That actually happened to me three weeks ago.  It was a tremendous wake-up call to realize that the life I was living wasn't going to be a sustainable way of life.  I can say that it was about poor nutrition and poor sleep habits and poor hydration, and that's all true and it's all stuff that I'm working on.  But there's more to it than that.  The root of this is that there is an artist in my soul who is starving.  How can I support other peoples' faith journeys when I can't even do what I have to do to facilitate my own relationship with God?  

So it's time for a new, more sustainable way to move forward.  It's time to draw and paint and write and express myself.  I don't want to make any definite promises about writing in this blog, because obviously my consistency with it comes and goes.  But I would like to look to my blog followers to hold me accountable for feeding my artist.  Pray for me, that I will make the time to create.  When you see me, ask me how my artistic endeavors are going.  Ask me what I'm working on.  Ask me when was the last time I spent some time expressing myself.  I think that's what I need to do to make sure that my marriage, my career, my soul, are able to thrive.   

A Lesson in Sabbath

I don't write much right now because every week is so busy.  I mean, SO busy.  Every week, I think, "next week I'll have time to do this..." and then something comes up.  This week, I got to Wednesday evening, counted the hours I'd worked since Monday, and came up with 30.  Knowing that I still had a funeral on Saturday (this afternoon) and a worship service on Sunday, and an accompanying sermon/homily for each, I took Thursday and Friday "off."  That was a good decision.  

I don't think many people understand all the work that goes into being a pastor.  I recently heard a colleague in ministry joke that when people ask her what she does, she says, "I'm a preacher on Sundays and the CEO of a non-profit during the week."  I think that's true.  I'm not complaining, just trying to explain.  The way my congregation volunteers is extraordinary, truly.  I couldn't ask for more.   But it's such a behind-the-scenes job.  So much of it is about presence and trust-building-- being there when people need you, being a role-model, keeping up with what's going on in the community and in the lives of members.  I can never really stop working.  But that's okay, I love it.  And one of the things I'm learning is that if I'm a role-model, then I must display appropriate care of myself and my own family.  I want others to take care of themselves and their families, so it's also my job to say, "I've already worked 30 hours this week and have about 15 hours of work that I must do before the week is over, so I will take tomorrow and Friday off," because if I don't, I'm telling everyone else that it's okay to overwork and under-nurture their relationships, and I don't believe that's healthy.  

Anyway, yesterday was a really good day off.  We went as a family to Appleton, to the Children's Museum.  It was a free day so it was really crowded, but we had a blast.  The children were supposed to wear costumes, so Evelyn wore her cowgirl outfit (a costume we didn't think she'd get to wear anywhere, she's already worn twice, and I think we'll do a tiny bit of trick or treating, so that makes three!).  She was thrilled that there were some children dressed as animals.  Right now she is obsessed-- I mean, obsessed-- with animals, especially cats, dogs, ducks, and lizards.  So when she saw a little boy dressed as a dog, she just stood next to him and barked and panted at him for several minutes.  She's also been pretending that she is a cat lately, crawling around meowing.  We don't have a cat right now and I'm beginning to feel guilty about that.  But, to be honest, I'm still on team Bearded Dragon, and I think Evelyn is too, but Maic says no.  There was actually a Bearded Dragon at the Children's museum and Evelyn was thrilled about it, but Maic said, "She just likes anything with eyes that moves."  I think I know what he's getting for Christmas...

The traveling exhibit was a bunch of scenes and activities from Children's books--
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats

Abuela by Arthur Dorros

Stackable snowmen from the Snowy Day

Little cowgirl stacking blocks

Climbing up a salad.  Where do they come up with these things?

So, here's my lesson in Sabbath for the day.  When you work too much, stop working.  When there's a free day at the children's museum, go.  And when you can put the baby to bed and watch Dancing With the Stars while knitting stuffed animals, do it. 

Wisconsin Fall

I can't say I'm necessarily looking forward to Wisconsin winter, although I am definitely glad to have a short commute.  But what I can say for sure is that fall here is at least as beautiful as it was in the town I grew up in.  

I may be about 2-3 days past the peak, and pictures don't do it justice, but we took some photos on our walk today.  Breathtaking colors!  Enjoy!

This is right behind the church.
That red tree, while beginning to lose its fullness,
has taken my breath away every day this week.  

We have a church member who decorates the church--outside and inside-- every season.
This week I'm preaching  on Genesis 2.  

Fiery Ivy 

Well, the coat's big but it has to last her all winter.  

Someone needs to work on their parallel parking skills.  
 

Maic remembered a tradition his family had of filling contact paper
with leaves and putting it on the window.  I love how it looks.  

Well, this pastor mom is off on a much-needed retreat as soon as church ends tomorrow until Tuesday afternoon.  The retreat is for Wisconsin clergy, and while I look forward to meeting many of my colleagues, I look most forward to some time to gather myself and resort my priorities, so that I come back to on Wednesday as a recovering workaholic.  It's too soon for me to be this exhausted.  

That's a Year, Folks.

Today we are having a little get-together for Evelyn's first birthday with family and a few close friends.  Calling it a "party" is stretching it, but there will be cupcakes and presents.  Every day people tell me to soak up every moment and not take it for granted, so I am taking a break from packing today to celebrate her first year.  I'll post some photos later of her kitty cupcakes. :) Well, it's still actually a couple days short of Evelyn's first birthday, but I'm afraid the boxes and the moving van will overshadow my opportunity to write a sappy, cliche entry about what my first year as a mother was like.  So I decided to write the entry now, and I decided that this is my blog, so you can put up with my sappy cliches.

Let's start with the obvious.  I can't believe Evelyn has been alive for a whole year.  In so many ways, this year has seemed like eternity for us.  We've moved [almost] twice, I got my Master's degree, I lost my Grampa and my good friend Ryan, and I got called to my first pastorate.  It's not every year that all of that stuff happens.  But when I look at Evelyn, watch her trying to figure out how to walk on her own, and listen to her laugh and see her personality develop and grow, I feel like it's impossible that in 366 days (it was a leap year!) she went from the little baby that came out of my body to the practically-toddler she is today.

I was born to take care of people, and therefore fell into the role of mother pretty easily.  It feels as natural to me as breathing.  There are moments when I feel like my only option is to love her so deeply and so purely that she's the only thing in the whole world that ever mattered, and there are moments when I need to get away from her; when she annoys the pants off of me.  But the magical feeling of being someone's mother far outweighs any bad moment.

There is an empowerment that comes with being a mother.  For me, a lot of it is about this realization that she was created inside of me, I grew so that I could carry her in there, I gave birth to her, and I nourished her through breastfeeding.  That is all so important to me, but when it comes down to it, none of that makes a mother (which is exactly why you are no less a mother when you adopt or have medical problems in birth or can't/don't breastfeed).  What makes a mother is this superpower that comes when you have a child-- this love that defies all rationality, that makes you do crazy stuff, that makes you constantly reevaluate your life.  Keeping another human being alive through nurture is perhaps the most empowering task we are entrusted with.

I'm not a morning person, and I hate waking up early with an intense passion, but every single morning when I see her little face at 7:30 a.m. I can feel myself glowing with excitement that I get to be her mom for another day (then I pull the laptop out from under the bed and pull up Sesame Street on Netflix and pretend to watch it with her in bed, but really I always fall back to sleep).  I'm also not someone who is generally content with the way I look, and I am always able to find flaws in myself.  But being a mother (especially to a girl) is helping me to realize how important it is to love myself.  I don't want her to be down on herself, so I need to have the confidence that I want her to have.

I now understand why every parent thinks their child is the best one (I fear I'm going to be that PTA mom).  So, because Evelyn is the best, I also want to use this entry share with you some of my favorite things about her.  She has an artistic soul.  She will stare at a piece of art for as long as her attention span lasts.  She has done that since was was opening her eyes.  She's also a caring soul.  She knows when we are upset and she tries to sooth us with kisses, and often will even offer her pacifier if we are sad or sleepy.  She likes to take care of our dog Nos by petting him and giving him her food.  One of her favorite things to do is watch Nos eat.  She loves cats like every little girl should.  She will be laying under the kitchen table pretending she's a cat like her mommy used to do in no-time.  She is full of expressions, so you always know what's going on in her mind.  She doesn't hide anything.  She lets herself be vulnerable so you'll hold her and pay attention to her and she lets you know when she'd rather just play by herself.  Maybe every baby does, but I think it's a baby virtue.  She loves books.   She knows how to turn the pages by herself.  She likes everything her daddy likes.  They share favorite foods-- blueberries, watermelon, tofu, milk, and they both love Mommy. They also have the same face.

Overall, this has been an immensely successful and amazing year.  Every day I am more crazy-in-love with my husband, I am more certain about my call to ministry, and I am more excited about our life together as a family.  Taking the day off to celebrate this year is exactly what we should be doing.  Then Maic and I are off to Ripon with the moving van while Evelyn stays back with the G-parents from Tuesday to Friday.  Looking forward to a couple of full nights' sleep, but knowing full well (another thing I learned this year) that I'll probably be up all night worrying about her.

Some Catching Up

It’s clear to me that I’m a product of an internet generation.  We moved to Oberlin slightly less than a week ago, and won’t have internet access in our home until this coming Tuesday.  I’m amazed at the anxiety that comes out of not checking my e-mail for a whole day.  Surely there’s a part of the anxiety that comes from being in the midst of a job search in which most of the communication is via e-mail, but the part of it that exposes me as inept at communicating with people/getting from one place to another/finding out information/listening to music is kind of embarrassing.  In desperation, I contacted the pastor of Oberlin UCC to see if I could use the church’s internet instead of having to pay for coffee every time I wanted to check my e-mail at a café.  Pastor David is so kind that he’s even issuing me a key to the church so that I can use it as a place to do my Skype interviews without a dog barking and a baby crying in the background (or incessantly screaming her version of “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay”—totally my fault for egging on a cute new vocal discovery). 

Speaking of dogs barking, our dog Nos is living with us once again.  We had to send him on vacation to Gramma and Grampa’s house for a few months back in October because this Mama could only handle so much.  It is awesome having him back.   He’s so good to Evelyn and she is just totally enamored with him.  Until you see a nine-month old “throw” a tennis ball for her dog, you’ve not seen cute (this is kind of where the incessant “yay” started). 

Having a house is just amazing.  Evelyn has her own bedroom, there’s a window in our kitchen, and we have a washer and dryer in our house.  With both of us temporarily out of work, we are having the best time just being a family.  We take walks every morning and sit out on the porch and talk or read.  We take family naps sometimes.  Life is so good, and I think when the time comes, I’ll be ready to go back to work. 

The search and call process is encouraging.  I think the UCC has a great set-up that allows for prayerful and intentional placements.  In the meantime, with the exception of this coming Sunday and the week I'm in Arizona, I'm preaching every Sunday for the next month and a half--making some money, doing what I love, getting to know other congregations.  

On Tuesday I'll be able to update more often.  I'll post some photos of the inside of our house and I'll get a list up of the churches I'll be preaching at this summer so that if you're interested and nearby, you can come worship with us.  

A Decision; A First Draft

A few days ago I posted a vague status on Facebook about prayers for decision-making.  I subsequently got at least a half dozen phone calls asking if I had a job offer.  Before I go any further, let's make one thing clear: the search and call process is NOT like a normal job search.  The average search is 6-9 months.  The people doing the hiring are church members, so they do not meet on a daily basis to facilitate quick decisions.  So, no, I don't have a job offer.  In fact, at this point I doubt if any church has actually read my profile.  I'm glad to know that my friends/family care about my search, so I'm not trying to say "STOP ASKING" or anything like that, but just want you to know for at least a few months the answer will almost definitely be "no."  

The status was actually about something that probably seems insignificant to the rest of you, but it is huge for me.  I found out on Monday that my thesis was not going to be accepted in its current form.  The reasoning is totally justified.  It needs a lot of work in terms of having a method to organize my thoughts and research.  It's a first draft.  I was offered two options.  1) to do a major overhaul in less than two weeks or 2) to count it as two directed studies so that I can graduate, but not have a thesis.  

Writing a thesis is not a requirement for this degree.  It's something that I did because I believed I had something important to say about the Book of Judith.  While I was trying to decide, I asked myself, "What was the purpose of writing this thesis, and did I accomplish it?"  In writing it, I wanted to tell people that Judith is a part of the Christian story and her character should be known to Christians today so that we can use her to help us understand our relationships with God just as any other character in the Bible does.  My thesis emphasized the way that she is misunderstood through her representation in art, which is why I've occasionally posted some horrific painting of Judith decapitating Holofernes.  What I decided is that I can accomplish my purpose now just as well as I could with a thesis in hand at my graduation on May 18th.  I'm not going to stop telling people about Judith.  I'm not going to stop researching Judith.  I'm not going to stop writing about Judith.  But the fact is, I'm graduating in 15 days.  A moving van is leaving Missouri with all of our possessions on May 21st and we are leaving on June 2nd.  I have two papers and a sermon to write.  I have a birthday to celebrate (today!).  Finding the time to revamp my thesis to the extent that I believe necessary would be exactly the opposite of what so many are encouraging me to do-- to take care of myself. 

So friends, a decision has been made.  Between now and the time I graduate, I'm done working on this.  But I have a beautiful first draft-- 84 pages that are clear about my excitement and passion for this woman.  And I am so proud of it. 

MORE THAN THE DECAPITATION: Painting the Rest of Judith's Story
in Narrative and Feminist Critical Perspective

Thoughts and Links

In 20 days I will have my Master of Divinity Degree.  I can't believe that.  I have been packing little by little and this morning I was packing away a shelf of knick-knacks (NOT my only shelf of knick-knacks, though I certainly wish it was) and I came across this candle that was a part of a worship service during orientation before I began my first year.  We went to a retreat center and talked about seminary and worshiped together and got to know each other.  It's funny-- I remember some of the conversations I had but I don't even remember who I had them with.  Some of my best friends now I can't even remember talking to at orientation.  In our classes, we share with one another some of the deepest parts of ourselves.  We are with each other through our greatest moments of doubt and certainty, and it's impossible to keep those emotions veiled.  There are students graduating this year who I feel like I know so deeply, and some who I may never see again who know things about me that no one else does.  That's the nature of Seminary, I think.  When I found this candle I remembered the worship service we had at the orientation.  We each had a stone which represented our fears and the burdens we carried that might prevent us from fully receiving God into ourselves as we enter this period of discernment.  We all sat in the chapel in silence (maybe Dr. Grundy was playing his guitar?) and in our own time we were to go set our burdens down on the altar.  I remember what my burdens were at that time-- too complicated and intimate to share here-- and I know that I've picked them up and set them back down countless times since then, but that moment still sticks with me.  It all came back to me in this tea candle, all covered in dust.  

Today we went to the Magic House, somewhere I've wanted to go for a couple years but it just felt really weird to go without a child.  So we waited as long as we could so Evelyn could *kind of* enjoy it.  She mostly just stared at everything.  She takes everything so seriously.  In photos it looks like she's never having fun, but I know her.  She had a blast.  

To conclude, there are a bunch of links I've been storing up to share.  Here we go. 

1. This is a blog I stumbled upon while writing my thesis, written by a woman named Judith who is exploring her namesake and the art attached to her.  Since a huge chunk of my thesis is about Judith and the visual arts, it's interesting to me.  I take issue with her interpretations most of the time, but she's got some okay humor and she's really good at digging up Judith art!  

2. The Top 10 Reasons why men shouldn't be ordained, an angry but still humorous feminist rant.  

3. A blog I've been reading daily about dressing for the pastoral office.  She's humorous and she's got sound theology and she's helping me to figure out how to dress better.  I've also been developing my own Pinterest board to help me figure out how I want to dress now that I'm a grown up-- whether I'm at work, at the park, or having a date night.  I've gotta figure this out eventually.  The Junior's department is off limits now.  

4. We've been really loving the search for good children's music.  We listen to the Dan Zanes Pandora Channel almost daily, but I've been really loving Elizabeth Mitchell.  You wouldn't believe how many well-known artists and bands have children's albums-- even Sweet Honey in the Rock.  You just have to dig!  

5. A sermon by my friend and mentor in ministry Rev. Curt Ackley, in which he talks about my Statement on Ministry, which is currently being distributed as a part of my profile for my search and call process.  I'll post my whole Statement here sometime too.  

Adios, friends!  Peace to you all! 

Finding Wonder

I took an absolutely necessary and absolutely lovely day off this weekend with my family and our good friend Stacy for her birthday.  We went to the Shaw Nature Reserve which is associated with the Missouri Botanical Gardens, but I had never been there before.  

I love being in nature, because it is so easy to meet God in everything I see, which was exactly what I needed to continue working on my thesis-- a reminder of God's presence and encouragement.  It's due in 17 days now, and I'm just chugging along.  

The sermon I preached for my ordination interview was all about having a sense of awe for God's Creation. I talked about the way that Evelyn looks at things and how much amazement she has for everything she sees.  Some of the photos that we took on our hike at Shaw Nature Reserve are perfect illustrations for this sermon.   They reflect the sense of wonder for God's Creation that Evelyn is helping us to discover.  One of my greatest hopes for her is that she will always have this much awe. 

This one is not at Shaw Nature Reserve, but instead at Maic's work.
 Look at that wind in her hair!  She is so happy.

Feeling the wildflowers

So beautiful

Looking for Crayfish

Aunt Stacy found her a Twirly Twig

Carrying the twirly-twig Stacy found for her

Grabbing the branches

She found a Daddy Long Legs,
and watched it until it was out of her sight

Still watching the Daddy Long Legs

Watching the Dandelion blow

Aunt Stacy teaching Evelyn about how flowers reproduce

Look at that HUGE tree!

Evelyn's not the only one in awe-- I love the way he looks at her! 

She is so perfect.  

Chaos, Balance, Self-Care

I'm really really really trying to find a place for self-care in my life.  I hate that there are days that taking care of Evelyn is a chore... and that there are days that I dread writing my thesis... and that I see the "job" search as an insurmountable obstacle.

Really, Evelyn is the most amazing baby-- so patient and loving and really hilarious.  It's a treat to be with her.  I am extraordinarily passionate about my thesis and so excited to tell people what's going on in my head.  And if I am looking at ministry as a job rather than a calling, I need to reassess.

It's just hard because there's so much going on right now that I feel like I don't have time for self-care.  At the same time, I realize that when I don't stop for a while and take a break, I'm totally unproductive.  Yesterday I took a two hour long nap, and immediately after I wrote seven pages of my thesis.  How great is that?

So now, since I noticed myself being unproductive, I'm writing a blog entry.  Evelyn is with her godmother, Stacy, for the morning and I'm home by myself.  We are housesitting this week, which I'm loving.  I'm considering locking the family out on Saturday when they return because, frankly, I like their house better than our apartment.  Also, there are chickens.  

They follow Maic around like they're his fan club.  

I took half of the kitchen table and claimed it as my work space.  Nothing that doesn't have to do with my thesis or classes is allowed on this half of the table, except for these flowers that Maic bought me in celebration of my ordination interview (actually, I handed them to him while we were grocery shopping...but you know, romance is in the eye of the beholder.)

I made this card to keep on my workspace too, as an idea from Rabbi Dr. Ryan Dulkin  who is
a candidate for the  Biblical Studies position at Eden.  It's apparently a Jewish tradition...

On one side...

...and on the other.  A reminder to live in the balance of self-love and humility.
A practice I need desperately.  

 Meanwhile, not on the work half of the table... 

Sock bunnies!  

So much of my life right now is about balance.  I know it seems that when I write entries like this, they are full of chaos.  Thesis, Jewish practices, and sock bunnies?  Joanna, what are you doing?  The fact is, for the next two months before graduation, my life is full of chaos.  But don't we have a God who lives and works in the chaos?  The world was created out of chaos.  The covenant with Noah was built upon the chaos of a land ruined by water.  The new covenant in Jesus Christ was made in the midst of anger and murder, blood and splinters and then continued into the morning in the confusion of the mysterious and absurd incident of the resurrection.  I believe that God is living and working with me now, becoming known to me through my scattered mind-- showing up as I feed the chickens rice out of the palm of my hand (did you know chickens eat rice?), as I nurse my teething baby throughout the night as she tosses and turns in pain, and as I write about this woman, and try to tell people that she is more than a murderer.

Judith, Pallaiuolo, 1470. 

This is a time to love the fact that being pastor and being mom, being crafter and being student, being wife and being self, being created in the image of God and being but dust and earth, are all both chaos and balance.  

I'm just trying to figure that out.  

Approved! And an overview of the trip home

I did pass my ordination interview, which  makes me "approved for ordination pending a recognized call and graduation from Eden Seminary."  I'm quite thrilled.  The sermon and interview both went so well.  I felt very articulate and like I said the things I wanted to say.  I have no regrets, even though I cried when another young female pastor asked me how I planned to balance motherhood and ministry.  The question was bound to be asked, and my emotions were bound to get out of my control at some point.  I still responded well, though.  I'll have to rehearse the question before I go on any job interviews, because crying at an ordination interview is one thing.  Crying at a job interview is another. 

Their primary recommendation to me was to work on self-care because I am doing so much right now.  As a result, we decided to go out to B-Spot for dinner to celebrate instead of going to the potluck at the church.  It was sooo delicious.  I want to go there every night now.  

Evelyn and I fly out of Cleveland this evening, and are giddy to be reunited with Daddy.  He's the absolute best.  We're housesitting for the next week for a friend just around the corner, and we're excited to have a washer and dryer, a TV, and three chickens!  

How timely is this Words Matter prayer, with its airplane and traveling home imagery?

Well, would you like to see some photos from our trip home?  

Evelyn on her first flight!  They didn't give her a flight wing pin, though.   

Nana and Papa bought her these awesome Minnetonka Moccasins.  

She LOVED Timmy!  

\

And she HATED the new puppy, Crispin's Crispian. 

Still loves Nos!  We can't wait to live with him again!

We went to Baldwin-Wallace with Great Gramma
to see my Aunt Jill working in the book store

We had the awesome coincidence of running into Titi Midori.
She was in our wedding! 

She loves Nos! 

We visited an old friend who just had her baby, Julianna, six weeks ago. 

There are many, many more, but I'm avoiding too much of a photobomb here.  

Another thing that's awesome is that we were absolutely delighted to find out that our good friend's, Emma and Rob, had their little pipsqueak yesterday!  Her name is Ellery.  We love her so much and can't wait to meet her!!  

Welp, off for some ice cream with Gramma and Grampa, Nana, and possibly Great Gramma.  

See you in St. Louis!