"Do you need to know where babies come from?"

I've mentioned before that Evelyn and I visit homebound members of the church together.  We go to nursing homes and sit and talk with folks, and they typically really enjoy seeing Evelyn.  She is always so sweet to them and truly is a little minister herself.  Well, this week we've been taking Holy Communion to homebound members since it's Holy Week.  Evelyn hasn't gone with me on every visit because it's a lot for her to handle, but I brought her to meet a woman named Eileen today who neither of us has met yet.  We went with another member of the congregation named BJ.  

Well, Eileen is particularly hard of hearing and didn't know who I was before I arrived with Evelyn.  The very first thing she said to me is, "Who takes care of the baby when you are at school?"  I replied, like I always do, "I go to school at night so my husband takes care of her" (except I might have said "her dad" instead of "my husband").  Her response-- "My husband and I planned for our babies.  Our children have children too and they planned for them."  I knodded.  She continued, "Did you plan for this baby?" 

I've been asked this question quite a few times by all sorts of people-- young and old, family, friends, and strangers-- and frankly, I think it's one of the rudest questions that could possibly be asked, no matter how close you are to someone.  I am a very open person, and I have offered the answer (if there really is one; it's a pretty loaded question!) to some people, and others I allow to come to their own conclusion.  Bringing a life into the world is a very complicated and personal endeavor, and I see no need to know whether or not it was "planned."  For us, Evelyn is alive and well and I'm glad she's here.  

Well, I didn't know how to respond to the woman's question.  Explaining the previous paragraph to a woman who is hard of hearing is pretty much pointless.  You really have to give yes or no answers.  I finally responded, "We're so glad she's here."  

Eileen was not satisfied with my answer.  She said, staring directly into my eyes, "Do you need to know where babies come from?"  BJ interjected and said, "Joanna is a great mother and everyone at church just loves Evelyn!" and then continued with an explanation about how we were going to take Holy Communion together.  Generally, when we do these visits I give an explanation that goes something like this: 

"At First Congregational Church of Webster Groves you are listed each Sunday in our bulletin so that we can remember you in our prayers.  We consider you to be a part of the Body of Christ and a member of our church.  We're bringing you Holy Communion because one of the things that it represents is that God is constantly inviting you to be a part of the Body of Christ, and we want you to know that just because you can't come to church doesn't mean you aren't a part of our community."   

I was so taken aback by the way that the woman had spoken to me that I pretty much allowed BJ to take over the explanation.  I truly didn't know what to say.  Well, BJ gave an explanation of Communion and I took the bread and began to hand it to the woman.  She pulled her hand away and wouldn't look at me.  I was surprised and turned to BJ and said, I think you need to give it to her.  She did, and she took it.  Realizing that it was important to the woman that I not lead, I whispered to BJ to say "This is the Body of Christ, broken for you," and she did.   I did the same with the wine.  We then said the Lord's Prayer together. 

As soon as we were done, the woman looked at me and said, "Do you know how this happened?"  pointing at Evelyn.  Shoot, I thought this conversation was over.  I said, "Yes."  She responded, "You can plan for when you're going to have a child."  I said, "Yes, I know."  (BJ, more gutsy than me, responded, "Not always!") She said, "Who takes care of her while you're in school?"  I said, "My husband does."  "You're married now?" "Yes." "Were you married when you conceived this child?" "Yes." BJ interjected, "You really shouldn't ask those questions to people, they can be very hurtful."  The woman responded, "But you were married.  Well that's good.  I'm so glad to hear that.  This is a very sweet baby."  

The rest of the visit was peaceful and joyful as can be.  

I have a lot of emotions about this visit and I'm still trying to process them.  Maybe you'll hear about it in a sermon sometime.  For now, I just wanted to tell the story.  

P.S.  Between this and having to explain breastfeeding and Communion to a five-year-old yesterday, I'm not sure anything in the world can truly prepare someone for ministry.  

Staying on Track and a Lenten Puzzle Prayer

Hi All!

I'm not much for blogging this week because I'm *truly* getting some work done on my thesis.  My goal was to work three hours a day this week, and so far I missed Monday (the first day) but otherwise have done really well.  Things are going smoothly, and when I get the words on the page I can't believe how much I know about Judith.  I feel like we're buds now, and whenever I read an article that says something bad about her I get really defensive.  She's not perfect, but she is really awesome.  It's due April 18th, by the way. 

A depiction of the Song of Miriam, but I like to look at it
and think about Judith's celebration too. 

Anyway, I wanted to stop in and drop off this Lenten word search from www.wordsmatter.org.  You know, I've been posting prayers from there periodically.  I love the commitment to reach so many different spiritual practices.  I'm really loving the website and am planning to print them all out and put them in a booklet for Lents-to-come.  

Here's what you're looking for: Purple, Fast, Lent, Ash Wednesday
Maundy Thursday, Shrove Tuesday, Forty Days, Paschal Lamb, and Holy Week.

In Evelyn news, she's teething and it is really, truly a test in patience.  Maic and I are both exhausted from waking up throughout the night and we are begging those little teeth to just pop through.   Just trying to remember: "Weeping may linger for the night, but Joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5.  Now I just wish that time frame was literal.  

Since we have a webcam attached to our new laptop, I like to turn on the camera and she watches herself in the computer and talks.  It's really quite adorable.  Here are a few photos.  

Just woke up.

Who's that?  (By the way, see that bruise on my arm?
Would you believe this sweet little 7 month old gave me a hickey!
It's been there for a week now!) 

"Oh hi, other baby.  Aren't you cute." 

Daddy set up this cheer squad for her because he wants her to crawl.
She just scoots backwards for now...

Chaos, Balance, Self-Care

I'm really really really trying to find a place for self-care in my life.  I hate that there are days that taking care of Evelyn is a chore... and that there are days that I dread writing my thesis... and that I see the "job" search as an insurmountable obstacle.

Really, Evelyn is the most amazing baby-- so patient and loving and really hilarious.  It's a treat to be with her.  I am extraordinarily passionate about my thesis and so excited to tell people what's going on in my head.  And if I am looking at ministry as a job rather than a calling, I need to reassess.

It's just hard because there's so much going on right now that I feel like I don't have time for self-care.  At the same time, I realize that when I don't stop for a while and take a break, I'm totally unproductive.  Yesterday I took a two hour long nap, and immediately after I wrote seven pages of my thesis.  How great is that?

So now, since I noticed myself being unproductive, I'm writing a blog entry.  Evelyn is with her godmother, Stacy, for the morning and I'm home by myself.  We are housesitting this week, which I'm loving.  I'm considering locking the family out on Saturday when they return because, frankly, I like their house better than our apartment.  Also, there are chickens.  

They follow Maic around like they're his fan club.  

I took half of the kitchen table and claimed it as my work space.  Nothing that doesn't have to do with my thesis or classes is allowed on this half of the table, except for these flowers that Maic bought me in celebration of my ordination interview (actually, I handed them to him while we were grocery shopping...but you know, romance is in the eye of the beholder.)

I made this card to keep on my workspace too, as an idea from Rabbi Dr. Ryan Dulkin  who is
a candidate for the  Biblical Studies position at Eden.  It's apparently a Jewish tradition...

On one side...

...and on the other.  A reminder to live in the balance of self-love and humility.
A practice I need desperately.  

 Meanwhile, not on the work half of the table... 

Sock bunnies!  

So much of my life right now is about balance.  I know it seems that when I write entries like this, they are full of chaos.  Thesis, Jewish practices, and sock bunnies?  Joanna, what are you doing?  The fact is, for the next two months before graduation, my life is full of chaos.  But don't we have a God who lives and works in the chaos?  The world was created out of chaos.  The covenant with Noah was built upon the chaos of a land ruined by water.  The new covenant in Jesus Christ was made in the midst of anger and murder, blood and splinters and then continued into the morning in the confusion of the mysterious and absurd incident of the resurrection.  I believe that God is living and working with me now, becoming known to me through my scattered mind-- showing up as I feed the chickens rice out of the palm of my hand (did you know chickens eat rice?), as I nurse my teething baby throughout the night as she tosses and turns in pain, and as I write about this woman, and try to tell people that she is more than a murderer.

Judith, Pallaiuolo, 1470. 

This is a time to love the fact that being pastor and being mom, being crafter and being student, being wife and being self, being created in the image of God and being but dust and earth, are all both chaos and balance.  

I'm just trying to figure that out.  

Approved! And an overview of the trip home

I did pass my ordination interview, which  makes me "approved for ordination pending a recognized call and graduation from Eden Seminary."  I'm quite thrilled.  The sermon and interview both went so well.  I felt very articulate and like I said the things I wanted to say.  I have no regrets, even though I cried when another young female pastor asked me how I planned to balance motherhood and ministry.  The question was bound to be asked, and my emotions were bound to get out of my control at some point.  I still responded well, though.  I'll have to rehearse the question before I go on any job interviews, because crying at an ordination interview is one thing.  Crying at a job interview is another. 

Their primary recommendation to me was to work on self-care because I am doing so much right now.  As a result, we decided to go out to B-Spot for dinner to celebrate instead of going to the potluck at the church.  It was sooo delicious.  I want to go there every night now.  

Evelyn and I fly out of Cleveland this evening, and are giddy to be reunited with Daddy.  He's the absolute best.  We're housesitting for the next week for a friend just around the corner, and we're excited to have a washer and dryer, a TV, and three chickens!  

How timely is this Words Matter prayer, with its airplane and traveling home imagery?

Well, would you like to see some photos from our trip home?  

Evelyn on her first flight!  They didn't give her a flight wing pin, though.   

Nana and Papa bought her these awesome Minnetonka Moccasins.  

She LOVED Timmy!  

\

And she HATED the new puppy, Crispin's Crispian. 

Still loves Nos!  We can't wait to live with him again!

We went to Baldwin-Wallace with Great Gramma
to see my Aunt Jill working in the book store

We had the awesome coincidence of running into Titi Midori.
She was in our wedding! 

She loves Nos! 

We visited an old friend who just had her baby, Julianna, six weeks ago. 

There are many, many more, but I'm avoiding too much of a photobomb here.  

Another thing that's awesome is that we were absolutely delighted to find out that our good friend's, Emma and Rob, had their little pipsqueak yesterday!  Her name is Ellery.  We love her so much and can't wait to meet her!!  

Welp, off for some ice cream with Gramma and Grampa, Nana, and possibly Great Gramma.  

See you in St. Louis!  

Studying, not out of a sense of duty

I'm finding myself more often seated in a study carrel at Webster University reading and writing about Judith (about to make the switch to less reading and more writing).  My thesis is due to my first and second readers by April 18th-- less than two months from now.  It's going pretty well, because I'm more excited about the topic every day.  

A couple entries ago, I mentioned that one of my Lenten commitments is to read this blog of expansive language prayers each day.   Many of them are digging up very deep new ways of looking at God for me.  I read this one today from March 3rd (admitting that I'm a few days behind) and was deeply struck by the line, "Let us go to prayer and study not out of a sense of duty, but because we long to be alone with you." 

Is this, kind of, what I preached about two Sundays ago?  Wish I'd read the prayer back then.  

Needed to share.

In other news, headed to Ohio on Thursday evening for my ordination interview!  

And, wanted to share these photos from the other night when we had our South Korean and Japanese friends over for black bean burgers.  Yunseon wants everything he eats to be very American, so he smothered his in ketchup.  ;-) 

Yunseon, Grace, Catherine, Evelyn, Me, Reina

Evelyn and Catherine, who is 11 months old.
She's riding the horse my dad painted for Evelyn for Christmas

Thanks for reading!  Time to get studying! 

What's Going on This Week?

Oh you know, just working in our office. 

And I preached Sunday morning.  You can listen here. 

Otherwise, finished Veronica Mars Season Two, writing a Congregational Leadership paper, having some of my favorite international students (Reina from Japan and Yunseon and his wife and 11 month old daughter from South Korea) over for black bean burgers tomorrow evening, working on developing healthy eating habits with the help of this website from the USDA, and plowing forward on the ordination stuff!  

<3

What's Goin' On, and Some Lenten Resolutions

Hi folks!  Sorry it's been a while.  My number one Lenten resolution, to reduce my internet time, has greatly effected my blogging time.  Additionally, Evelyn is turning out to be a routine lover.  How on earth did a routine lover come out of me?  

She wakes up approximately 5 minutes before the alarm goes off at 7:30.  She requires two naps a day, at 10:30 and 2.  She goes to bed at 8:00.  If this doesn't happen Fussy Francine, as my sister-in-law used to call Little Zoey in her fussy moments, comes to live with us.  I'll tell you what, keeping Evelyn's routine and my complete lack of routine in sync is quite a struggle.  I never used to have to turn down appointments or playdates, and now I do.  It's also kind of nice.  At 8:00, Maic and I get to have our own time.  Lately, we've been spending most of our free time watching Veronica Mars and eating cheese and crackers.  Oh shoot, we're my parents! 

For example, I need to think twice about signing my babe up for a fashion show
that starts at 11:00 when naptime is at 10:30. 

If we get all the naptimes straight, she's the happiest baby on the block! 

I made it over some big hills the past couple weeks as well.  I finished my ordination paper and my thesis proposal finally got accepted.  I'm feeling great about both.  Two weeks from today, I have my ordination interview back in Ohio, after which I should be able to start searching for a call, providing that my profile is put together by that time.  My thesis is living like a fiery flame of passion in my mind right now.  I discovered an artist, Artemisia Gentilesche, who painted some interesting renditions of Judith, but most importantly painted Biblical heroines from a female point of view, something that we don't see much of.  Her commentators speak to a lot of my observations about Judith and art, so it is helping me to find the right sources to integrate into my thesis. 

One of Artimisia Gentilesche's Judith paintings.
"Shoot girl, why are you writing about this horrible woman
and why are you posting such violent images on your blog?"
 I know, I know, just wait.  It will all make sense in the end.  

The journey to May 19th, my graduation day, still seems quite uphill.  But I'm having a great time, making sure not to miss the awesome things that come with being a Mama in St. Louis.  

We're super excited for our friends, Emma and Rob, who are having a baby in March!
Stacy, our friend Jacq, and I threw a baby shower for them last weekend. 

Had a great playdate this week with our good friend Collin,
who's four days younger than Evelyn...

And Ellie, who's eight days younger than Evelyn! 

Oh, by the way, wanna know my Lenten resolutions?  

1.  I am spending less time on the internet.  You know, I really am addicted.  I hate it.  I don't know what "less" will look like at this point, but it's a process.  Definitely not going on as long as Evelyn is awake.  

2.  We are not going out to eat during Lent, with the probable exception of when we are home in Ohio.  

3. Reading the UCC daily devotionals and these really great expansive language prayers at www.wordsmatter.org each day. 

I'll leave you with a photo of Evelyn in her favorite hat.
It's softer than the stupid ones her mama knits for her. 

Thanks for reading, everybody.  Sharing this journey is so much fun for me.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!  If you have a moment, I'd love it if you would "follow" my blog by clicking "follow" in the upper left hand corner.