On My Heart: A Mama Entry

Passing out candy for Trick or Treat--
don't worry, we weren't actually passing out half-eaten peanut butter sandwiches

Tonight Evelyn fell on her face on a hard tile floor and got a fat, bloody lip.  There was a Confirmation event at another local UCC, and because the only chance of me ever being introverted happens when I'm around children/teens between the ages of 11 and 17, I brought Evelyn with me.  She's my conversation starter.  She was chasing a balloon around their Fellowship Hall with her arms up in the air screaming "YAY!  YAY!  YAY!" and her socks slipped on the floor and she fell flat on her face.  I heard the sound of her mouth hitting the tile, and then the prolonged silence of breath-catching, and then...the wail.  

This isn't the first time Evelyn has fallen.  C'mon she's 14 months old and I'm not perfect.  There was the first time she fell off the bed, when she was 5 or 6 months old.  Then there was the time when she thought she could get off the bed the same way she gets off the couch, without realizing it's a foot taller.  There's every single time Nos walks passed her.  There are more times.  But this one...I don't know what it was...it broke my heart.  I felt like the pain was in me.  I couldn't stop licking my teeth and biting my lip as if it was my own pain.  

Things have been different lately between Evelyn and I.  Now that I work full-time, there have been several nights when she goes to bed and I cry for a minute or two--she doesn't need me now like she used to.  And it's not about age (although maybe some of it is connected to her weaning), it's about how 6 months ago I had never been away from her for more than a couple hours.  I was with her all but 9 or 10 hours a week.  We were like one entity.  I didn't know what it felt like to miss her.  I hardly knew what it meant to be without her.  

Sometimes, it's hard for me to accept the change in roles-- like that she and her daddy spend all their time together instead of her and I, or that Maic knows her schedule better than I do, or that only he is able to put her to bed successfully.  But on the other hand it's nice because I don't take her for granted anymore (not that I ever really did).  Now, it's like an event when I come home.  She jumps up and down when I'm the one to go get her out of her crib when she wakes up from a nap.  She grins from ear to ear when I walk in the door.  She wants to sit in my lap and give me kisses when I host Bible Study at our house.  

Nobody will ever have the relationship with her that I have.  The deep intimate connection that happens between a mama and her baby has nothing to do with the amount of time we get to spend together.  I don't know why I'm writing this all out, except to just express some emotions-- some Pastor Mom identity issues--I'm having.  It's nights like this, when I get to spend the evening doing my job while being with my baby, that I realize just how abundantly blessed I am.  When she gets hurt and it hurts me physically, I realize the wonder and uniqueness of the relationship we have.  I want to just live in this moment, cherish her toddlerhood, and bottle up the pure joy we both have when I walk in the door and she yells to me in excitement (Fully admitting that she still yells "DADDDYYYY";  I take it as a compliment).

Her "cheeeeeese" face

This is what a doggie says 

Being a mom sure is an emotional endeavor.  I wouldn't recommend it to the fainthearted.  Thanks for reading a heart-felt post.  Little fat-lip is in bed now.  I think she'll be just fine.  

Wisconsin Fall

I can't say I'm necessarily looking forward to Wisconsin winter, although I am definitely glad to have a short commute.  But what I can say for sure is that fall here is at least as beautiful as it was in the town I grew up in.  

I may be about 2-3 days past the peak, and pictures don't do it justice, but we took some photos on our walk today.  Breathtaking colors!  Enjoy!

This is right behind the church.
That red tree, while beginning to lose its fullness,
has taken my breath away every day this week.  

We have a church member who decorates the church--outside and inside-- every season.
This week I'm preaching  on Genesis 2.  

Fiery Ivy 

Well, the coat's big but it has to last her all winter.  

Someone needs to work on their parallel parking skills.  
 

Maic remembered a tradition his family had of filling contact paper
with leaves and putting it on the window.  I love how it looks.  

Well, this pastor mom is off on a much-needed retreat as soon as church ends tomorrow until Tuesday afternoon.  The retreat is for Wisconsin clergy, and while I look forward to meeting many of my colleagues, I look most forward to some time to gather myself and resort my priorities, so that I come back to on Wednesday as a recovering workaholic.  It's too soon for me to be this exhausted.  

Coffee Shops

In St. Louis, on the days when our apartment seemed painfully small (gosh, was that every day?) we used to go up to this coffee shop called Cafe Nura (now Abode Coffee Shop) and just hang out and sip coffee.  When Evelyn was really little, we'd bring her up in her infant car seat and she would nap while we chatted, and when she got bigger we'd stick her in the high chair and give her a few books and toys.  I probably wrote about that coffee shop in about 90% of my pre-move blog entries.  

Well, when we moved it was one of the hardest places to say goodbye to.  It was full of so many great memories for us.  So many deep-breath moments, study breaks, and finally-some-adult conversations.  It seems impossible to replace. 

This morning we woke up early enough to go to a new place in Ripon called Palenque (aka Doomsday Donuts) and have some coffee before I had to get to the office.  It's no Cafe Nura, but I like the place a lot.  Plus they have these CRAZY specialty donuts (last week I had a root beer float donut!) and Evelyn would do a back-flip if it meant she could share a parfait with her Daddy.  Who knows, maybe it will become the new Cafe Nura, in time.  

Ordination

My ordination service was absolutely wonderful.  My brother and sister-in-law and their daughter Zoey, and my Uncle Bob came into town to celebrate with us, and I had planned it so that it would be on a weekend when my former pastor and one of my most important mentors, Martha, was in town.  I wanted to have a relatively short (for an ordination) service so that Evelyn and Zoey (and, to be honest, many of my friends who aren't used to church) could be there to celebrate and not be too bored.  I think the service was just over an hour.  

Martha delivered a beautiful sermon about self-care, among other things, and even though I totally botched my "Response," which I had written down but then ended up too teary-eyed to read, I think it was heart-felt and people appreciated it.  

My family in the front pew-- Mom and Dad, Gramma and Aunt Norma,
Allen, Charis, and Zoey, and Uncle Bob.  My In-Laws were there to celebrate too. 

Every time I see these two I love them more.  

Evelyn was a little angel, as always.
Except that she pulled my hair during the Laying on of Hands. 

There were several WRA clergy and lay-leader representatives 

Maic played his Ukulele for many of the songs,
and Adam sung a beautiful solo of "Take, Lord, Receive."

This was at the beginning of the Laying on of Hands

So many beautiful people!

My parents presented me with my stole.

I've already got quite a collection.  The first stole was purchased by my
Grandma Smyres for my graduation, the second one was woven by my Grandpa's sister,
and the third one was purchased for this occasion by Berea UCC.
It is one of my favorite Bible stories-- the woman at the well.  The first Chalice is a gift from
Rev. Tom Dipko upon his retirement, and the second one is from Allen and Charis. 

And at the end of it all, all I wanted to do was hold my sweet baby and take a nap.
But alas, the next morning was moving day!  

Well everyone, as several people have reminded me, I've Become Pastor Mom... So, what should I change my blog title to?  I'm up for suggestions.  

Sincerely, 

The Reverend Joanna D'Agostino

That's a Year, Folks.

Today we are having a little get-together for Evelyn's first birthday with family and a few close friends.  Calling it a "party" is stretching it, but there will be cupcakes and presents.  Every day people tell me to soak up every moment and not take it for granted, so I am taking a break from packing today to celebrate her first year.  I'll post some photos later of her kitty cupcakes. :) Well, it's still actually a couple days short of Evelyn's first birthday, but I'm afraid the boxes and the moving van will overshadow my opportunity to write a sappy, cliche entry about what my first year as a mother was like.  So I decided to write the entry now, and I decided that this is my blog, so you can put up with my sappy cliches.

Let's start with the obvious.  I can't believe Evelyn has been alive for a whole year.  In so many ways, this year has seemed like eternity for us.  We've moved [almost] twice, I got my Master's degree, I lost my Grampa and my good friend Ryan, and I got called to my first pastorate.  It's not every year that all of that stuff happens.  But when I look at Evelyn, watch her trying to figure out how to walk on her own, and listen to her laugh and see her personality develop and grow, I feel like it's impossible that in 366 days (it was a leap year!) she went from the little baby that came out of my body to the practically-toddler she is today.

I was born to take care of people, and therefore fell into the role of mother pretty easily.  It feels as natural to me as breathing.  There are moments when I feel like my only option is to love her so deeply and so purely that she's the only thing in the whole world that ever mattered, and there are moments when I need to get away from her; when she annoys the pants off of me.  But the magical feeling of being someone's mother far outweighs any bad moment.

There is an empowerment that comes with being a mother.  For me, a lot of it is about this realization that she was created inside of me, I grew so that I could carry her in there, I gave birth to her, and I nourished her through breastfeeding.  That is all so important to me, but when it comes down to it, none of that makes a mother (which is exactly why you are no less a mother when you adopt or have medical problems in birth or can't/don't breastfeed).  What makes a mother is this superpower that comes when you have a child-- this love that defies all rationality, that makes you do crazy stuff, that makes you constantly reevaluate your life.  Keeping another human being alive through nurture is perhaps the most empowering task we are entrusted with.

I'm not a morning person, and I hate waking up early with an intense passion, but every single morning when I see her little face at 7:30 a.m. I can feel myself glowing with excitement that I get to be her mom for another day (then I pull the laptop out from under the bed and pull up Sesame Street on Netflix and pretend to watch it with her in bed, but really I always fall back to sleep).  I'm also not someone who is generally content with the way I look, and I am always able to find flaws in myself.  But being a mother (especially to a girl) is helping me to realize how important it is to love myself.  I don't want her to be down on herself, so I need to have the confidence that I want her to have.

I now understand why every parent thinks their child is the best one (I fear I'm going to be that PTA mom).  So, because Evelyn is the best, I also want to use this entry share with you some of my favorite things about her.  She has an artistic soul.  She will stare at a piece of art for as long as her attention span lasts.  She has done that since was was opening her eyes.  She's also a caring soul.  She knows when we are upset and she tries to sooth us with kisses, and often will even offer her pacifier if we are sad or sleepy.  She likes to take care of our dog Nos by petting him and giving him her food.  One of her favorite things to do is watch Nos eat.  She loves cats like every little girl should.  She will be laying under the kitchen table pretending she's a cat like her mommy used to do in no-time.  She is full of expressions, so you always know what's going on in her mind.  She doesn't hide anything.  She lets herself be vulnerable so you'll hold her and pay attention to her and she lets you know when she'd rather just play by herself.  Maybe every baby does, but I think it's a baby virtue.  She loves books.   She knows how to turn the pages by herself.  She likes everything her daddy likes.  They share favorite foods-- blueberries, watermelon, tofu, milk, and they both love Mommy. They also have the same face.

Overall, this has been an immensely successful and amazing year.  Every day I am more crazy-in-love with my husband, I am more certain about my call to ministry, and I am more excited about our life together as a family.  Taking the day off to celebrate this year is exactly what we should be doing.  Then Maic and I are off to Ripon with the moving van while Evelyn stays back with the G-parents from Tuesday to Friday.  Looking forward to a couple of full nights' sleep, but knowing full well (another thing I learned this year) that I'll probably be up all night worrying about her.

Arizona, Part One: Play

The three of us are in Green Valley, Arizona for the week visiting some friends for two reasons:  Work and Play.  Curt and Nancy Ackley run a consulting group for church capital campaigns, and they have started brainstorming about the idea of opening a school for new pastors to teach them about fundraising and stewardship.  They invited us out so that I could be a guinea pig for their developing curriculum and so that we could visit and get an inexpensive vacation!  I'm going to write about this trip in two entries.  First I'll talk about the fun things we've done, and then I'll come back in a couple days and write about the work we did and present to you (my colleagues in ministry) a new way of looking at fundraising and stewardship for your congregations. 

We began our play-week by going to San Xavier Mission, a church constructed in 1783 and filled on the inside with marvelous murals and statuary.  It reminded me so much of some of the churches we saw when I was travelling across Eastern Europe, but instead of having an Eastern flare it had a Mexican/Southwest flare.  

The three of us outside of San Xavier Mission 

On the fourth of July, we went to a Farmer's Market in the morning, worked in the afternoon, and then had black bean burgers and wine in the evening.  It was a surprisingly manageable day outside heat-wise, so we spent a chunk of the afternoon playing on the back patio.

I love this shot of her sweet little face. 

On Thursday, we went to the Saguaro National Park.  Saguaros are the big beauties below.  The National Park is filled with them-- literally one every 5 feet for acre after acre after acre.  These cacti are so fascinating.  They don't even sprout an arm until they are 50 years old, so you can tell how old they are.  A good Saguaro lives to be 200 years old.  

We don't think the hats look silly at all, by the way.  

After that, we needed to cool off so we took Evelyn to the big pool for the first time.  She could have died of happiness.  She's a very serious baby, but on the rare occasion that she laughs, nothing else in the whole world matters.  

Today, we went up to the Madera Canyon, high in the mountain range.  It is about 20 degrees cooler up there than where we're staying.  We had lunch and took a short hike.  Then Maic and I had the awesome opportunity to go out to eat and have Margaritas (well, actually Maic doesn't like Margaritas, but it's only because he's a party pooper--er--fiesta pooper) by ourselves while Curt and Nancy watched Evelyn.  She was a sweet angel for them, and the second we walked in the door she started crying.  

At the Canyon, with the Santa Rita Mountain Range behind us

In a lovely reclining rock. 

Tomorrow, Nancy and I are going to do some shopping while the boys go check out the Titan Missile Museum.  Then on Sunday, we'll go to church and relax and we're flying back on Monday.  I actually didn't get a chance to blog about our trip to visit Allen and Charis in Rockville, MD last week, but we had a blast.  We're pretty excited to get home and just relax and be in our home together, however.  We will have been away for two weeks, with the exception of last weekend, when I came home and preached and then left again.  Having a blast, but so, so exhausted!

I'll conclude this entry on "play" with my master pointer, who says:

"Hey you over there."

"No, YOU!"

"You with the face."

"I like you!"

Cousins

We had kind of a surprise weekend with my brother and his family because they came for my sister-in-laws great grandmother's funeral.  Sad circumstances, but so wonderful to spend time with them.  I haven't seen them since Christmas, and lately Christmas is more about cramming in visits and not sleeping rather than hanging out and spending time together.  So this weekend was such a blessing for me.  I just loving seeing these two together.  Allen and Charis are such wonderful parents and I learn so much by watching them with their little Zoey, who just turned two.  

On Friday evening, we went for a walk down the bike trail right by our house.  Zoey pushed a baby stroller that we found in the basement here that belonged to my sister-in-law, who just graduated from high school.  First she put rocks in it, but then she put her stuffed Otter, "Y.I. Otter" in it.  

On Saturday morning, they came over and brought Gramma and Grampa (Gwah-ma and Gwam-pa) and we had coffee and just played out in the yard and inside.  Evelyn is learning how to clap, and that's what she's doing in the photo above.  Her hands just go in circles like she is washing windows.  It's so stinking cute. 

Zoey read Evelyn a book...

And Evelyn shared her favorite toy.  

It's so funny how Evelyn looks so big to us when it's just the three of us, and then Zoey shows up and she just looks so tiny!  We love watching Zoey, just a few steps ahead of her.  It's so exciting to see what's coming!  

Seeing God; Seizing the Day

The process of searching for a church has brought my closer to God than I think I've ever been.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to understand that where I go from here is not what I want, but what God wants.  That's a hard thing to wrap one's mind around.  Much, much, much more easily said than accepted. 

It may be the free time that is bringing me closer to God, too.  I feel like I am taking time to see God more, and everything looks more beautiful.  I've been more conscious about taking time to pray and thank God for the gifts in my life (Yes friends, I confess that even as a pastor I often have trouble taking time to pray).  The free time is also bringing me close to my family.  We are having so much fun together.  We've been taking walks every morning to start the day.  We've even been baking bread together.  

My dear husband is as encouraging as can be.  He's honest, supportive, and challenging.  He believes in the search and call process and reminds me to trust in it when I struggle to.  When I ask him if he would want to live in XYZ city or state, he says "home is where you and Evelyn are." 

Aside from spending time with family, I've made sure to cram my schedule full of stuff.  I wouldn't be me if I didn't.  So I've joined the local clergy group, who meets every Tuesday for lunch.  I'm going to check out a weekly knitting group in town that a lot of the local clergy are a part of, too.  I posted on my previous entry that I'm preaching almost every week for the next month.  In non-church life, I've been hanging out with friends and family, including an old friend and her sweet baby Charlotte (whose blog is here; she might post some photos of the sweeties riding in Charlotte's wagon together), two of my best friends from college who have recently started dating each other (Maic and I occasionally get giddy about this as if it is our own relationship), and a few other friends.  We've been trying to seize the day, since we're not sure how long we'll be living this close, so we're trying to see our parents and my Gramma as often as possible.  We're also going to start doing some work on the house we're living in (which belongs to my in-laws) so that they can get it ready to either rent or sell.  

Life is good.  God is good.  Sorry I can't be more explicit about what's going on in my search.  I promise someday I'll let you know what's going on.  For now, I'm gonna keep it all confidential.