Evelyn and Sybil

Over the past few months, a relationship has developed that has really changed my outlook on life.  I've mentioned before that Evelyn and I do visits to home-bound members of the church.  Usually they are in nursing homes, but sometimes they still live in their own home with a nurse who visits frequently.  Seeing them together, there is this beautiful image of two people so close to God-- one at the beginning of her life, and one coming up on the end.  I feel like they both know something about God that we can't know.  They have this unique spiritual connection.  In the case of the older women there is often dementia or lack of muscle control or simple inability to explain the loneliness and frustration of getting older and in the case of Evelyn, her inability to talk or control her body.  These limitations and frustrations somehow bring them so close to one another.  They seem to "get" each other, and I feel like they communicate more deeply with God because of their inability to communicate with humans.  

I  know a lot of that is my perception rather than the reality.  I'm not trying to pretend that Evelyn isn't a baby, doing baby things and thinking almost constantly about eating or reaching for the closest fragile object or sugar-coated donut to shove into her mouth when I'm not looking.  Evelyn and these women certainly aren't speaking to each other telepathically or in some other realm, but I do think they connect in a way that I can't understand or explain.  

In the particular relationship I'm talking about, it feels less perceived and more real.  Sybil is a bright woman.  She is an artist, and was a commercial artist for much of her life, but had a debilitating stroke 20 years ago that left her more or less unable to use her gift.  You can tell that she still looks at the world with the eyes of an artist, and she reads probably a half dozen books in a week.  Talking isn't easy for her, though, so she is very brief and often silent.  She listens well.  

I believe that Evelyn sees the world through artist's eyes too.  Obviously she's only six months old and still developing a personality, but she is very aware of art, colors, and patterns.  If you've ever spent time with her, I think you will understand what I'm talking about.  She looks at things like she wants to know everything about them, with a very real sense of awe.  And if you haven't spent time with her, you've at least seen her eyes.  That girl's gotta soak everything up.  

Well, when I bring these two together, I can tell that they have a bond that I can't quite get.  It's more than the glasses and the bright, beautiful lap quilts that Sybil wears.  Evelyn is so calm and gentle when she's by her.  She touches her fingers so gently and stares into Sybil's knowing eyes.  And Sybil smiles when she's around her.  I can tell that Sybil is excited to see that for some people, life is just beginning. 

I've been wanting to write about this on my blog for a long time, but I haven't had the words.  I hope that what I'm trying to say makes sense.  Their's is a very spiritual relationship for me, which makes it difficult to explain to anyone.  I know I will always remember these moments, and I hope that as Evelyn continues to grow, she will continue to minister to people in beautiful and extraordinary ways.  

Finally, I'd like to include a small excerpt from my ordination paper, in which I wrote a little bit about this exact subject: 

"God did not just liberate through Jesus Christ, but continues to liberate through the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is our renewal and our guide, constantly meeting us here and now to remind us of the teachings of Jesus Christ and the grace and hesod (steadfast love) of our Creator.  Because the Holy Spirit is so ethereal, I am better able to explain this person of the Trinity through experiences in my life than through the writings and musings of other theologians.  The Holy Spirit is ceaselessly sustaining me, but is tangible in the “thin places” in my life—those places where the divide between Heaven and Earth is thin.  I believe it was the Holy Spirit who encouraged me into the ministry—as a fleeting breath, present, certain, but unable to be contained.  Each Sunday during coffee hour, the Holy Spirit brings together my daughter and a woman in hospice care—an artist who had a debilitating stroke 20 years ago.  I watch them from that thin place, Evelyn tracing her tiny, uncontrollable hands over the patterns on Sybil’s lap quilt, and Sybil understands that Evelyn is just like her—unable to control her hands and unable to explain her discomfort—and feels for just a while like someone gets her, and I know that in that moment church is happening."

Finished, and relaxing!

I'm sorry I left you all hanging.  I did finish my ordination paper.  I still feel like a lot of it is a draft, but the hardest part is done.  Next, I meet with the working group in Ohio via Skype and they offer suggestions for revisions.  

I really want to take a little time to rest, but I'm aware that a final revision of my thesis proposal is now overdue.    Finishing it requires at least a couple hours in the library developing my bibliography.  I have the motivation, it's just a matter of finding the time.  

Rest will not be left undone this weekend however.  Maic and I are going on a date Saturday night-- something we haven't done since Evelyn was six weeks old, and even then it was to an Eden fundraising event so it wasn't much of a date.  Not sure what we're going to do yet, because it's the weekend before Valentine's Day and restaurants are sure to be packed.  All I know is Evelyn is hanging out with Stacy, and we're going to do something fun together.  Then on Sunday, we're having a baby shower for another Eden student who is having her baby next month!  

Other than that, here are a few things that are going on around here: 

We're trying to get Evelyn on a sleep schedule instead of putting her to bed whenever we go to bed.
As a result, Maic made this comic strip, which I think is pretty much the truest thing I've ever seen.
 If you can't read it, click on the photo to enlarge it.  

Evelyn and I Skyped with Gramma and sent an e-mail to cousin Zoey's new e-mail account.
They set one up so people can send her memories and letters, etc.
I think we'll do the same for Evelyn soon. 

I'm stash-busting (aka trying to clear out my yarn stash by knitting a bunch).
Here is a big shawl, and a summer tank top.
I'm also making a baby blanket for a friend.  Not pictured :)  

Evelyn learned to put her foot in her mouth.  Okay, now you try.  

Why Writing My Ordination Paper is So Hard

The first draft of my ordination paper is due on Thursday.  This is the basic prompt, but it is a bit more complex than this: 

One of the last steps in the Discernment process is the writing of an ordination essay, a theological essay of approximately 4,000 words (16 pages) in which the candidate sets forth her or his Christian experience, sense of call to the ministry, and articulates, as clearly as possible, his or her understanding and appropriation of classical theological concepts.

I have been writing it since November, on a lovely afternoon when Evelyn was taking a nap and the three of us went up to Cafe Nura with a yellow pad of paper and a pen and I talked my way through my theology of God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Scripture, Humanity, Christian Education, the Church (local to universal), and Ordination.  After that talk, I had so much written on that pad of paper that I was sure the actual execution of the essay would be a cinch. 

It is now two days before its due date and I have three separate documents in a folder entitled "Ordination Paper"-- Ordination Paper, Ordination Paper 2, and Ordination Paper 3.  Funny how the only thing actually due on Thursday is a draft. 

I've been on edge about it.  Quite moody, actually.  I can't write it if the dishes are dirty or if Evelyn is awake.  I can't write it if it's cold outside or when the construction workers are noisy (and they are).  I can't write it at my office at First Congo or in my apartment or at the cafe. 

These are all ridiculous excuses.  Why is this so hard?  

I was thinking about it just now, in the shower, after yelling at Maic for being so "negative" about my ordination paper (he wasn't) and realized that the reason this is so hard is because this paper has so much emotion wrapped up in it. 

It's been almost exactly seven years since I received my call to ministry on January 23rd, 2005.  Writing this paper and talking about my ordination process is bringing back so many memories of people who have been involved my my call and moments when I have questioned and moments when I have felt so sure.  My head is just very full.  

As I write my paper, I am thinking about my friend, Kris Doychak, who served as a youth delegate to General Synod with me in 2005, smiling at me as the two of us held up our voting cards to approve the UCC Resolution in support of Marriage Equality.  He died in 2006.  Too soon.  I am thinking about my Grandpa Smyres, who was already in the beginning stages of dementia when I realized my passion for theology.  I never even knew how into theology he was himself until it was too late, so now I have theological discussions with him through underlines and margin notes in his old books.  I am remembering the more recent deaths of my Grandpa Smith and friend and colleague Ryan Matthews (who, too, wrote his ordination paper), who I never even really got to mourn because I have been so wrapped up in Evelyn and school.  And I'm thinking about my first sermons, preached at First Congregational UCC of Berea, in the sanctuary that is now a concert hall for Baldwin-Wallace College.  

A photo of Ryan Matthews, at his memorial service at Eden Chapel,
taken by Katie Hotze and stolen from Facebook by me. 

First Congregational UCC of Berea, Ohio, 2008. 

Additionally, I'm thinking of friendships that have faded away.  There are people who were so strongly a part of my early call who I have, for some reason or another, not spoken to in a long time.  Namely, my boyfriend at the time with whom I spent every waking hour for three years and who was with me as I first came to terms with who God was calling me to be, my Sunday School teacher and youth group leader who probably knew I was called before I did, but for reasons I either don't remember or don't understand, we stopped talking, and the religion department faculty at Baldwin-Wallace College, brilliant men and women, most of whom I haven't spoken to since I graduated.  

Our Confirmation banner, put together collaboratively with
Patty Collins, Rev. Kurt Katzmar, and the confirmation class
at a little association-owned cabin on the lake in Ohio.  

Finally, I'm remembering moments.  Like the thin places where the space between Heaven and Earth was barely there-- like my two summers in France and Eastern Europe when I realized that Van Gogh didn't make up those colors-- God's Creation really is that beautiful, our wedding when we brought together our two faith traditions in an attempt to demonstrate the way "that they may all be one" (John 17:21), and of course the moment when I pressed my baby's cheek to my lips for the first time.  And the struggles-- that same time in Europe when I thought I didn't need God anymore because I had mountains and endless fields of poppies and summer flings, the beginning of my relationship with Maic when I was desperately in love but not Catholic enough, and the times when Seminary just seemed like too much.  

Atop Les Alpilles in Southern France, 2007

My first day in St. Louis, waiting for the Fall Semester to start, 2009

Our wedding, co-officated by
Reverend Martha Chenault and Father James Ols, 2010

Miss Evelyn, minutes old, 2011. 

So how on earth does one flesh out a comprehensive theology when these thoughts are piling up and taking over my brain?  That's my dilemma.  That's why it's so hard.  

But guys, I hope you're not reading this wrong.  I'm not trying to complain about having to write this paper (it's a really great exercise and I'm glad I have to do it) or say that I'm bothered by all these thoughts.  All I want to say is that writing this paper is like sitting in a room with all of these people, traveling to these places, and reliving these events.  Could you write a paper with that many distractions?  And I only named a few!

Well, I do have 2,600 out of 4,000 words down.  And the first sentence is, "I am extraordinarily blessed."  

What's Left?

You may know that I took a temporary incomplete in one of my classes in the last week of December.  I had one more 10 page paper to write, it was December 21st, and I just really needed a break.  So I wrote my professor and asked him to give me an incomplete until the beginning of January.  Well, I have no completed and turned in that paper, so my semester is officially complete!  

I have to admit, I am really proud of myself.   I may not have been a perfect student, and I know there are papers and exams that I took that were less than perfect, but I learned a lot.  I feel good about what I learned and how I can apply it to my ministry.  

Now that Fall Semester is out of the way, it's time to really kick it into gear and get this Ordination show on the road. I thought I would let you all know what's left, and what the timeline looks like.  

1. I need to complete the first draft of my ordination paper and my ordination exam (a 4 hour, proctored exam using only a Bible and a word processor) by February 9th. 

2. On February 16th, I will have a Skype interview with my Working Group in Ohio, who will suggest revisions to my paper, which I will address and then return to the committee before my final interview.  The exam cannot be revised. 

3. On March 15th, I will meet in Ohio, at Lakewood UCC, with the entire Department of Church and Ministry for my Ordination Interview.  Friends and family are encouraged to attend (let me know if you're interested).  The interview begins with a half hour worship service, planned and executed by myself.  Then we move to a one hour Q and A about my final Ordination Paper and the exam.  

4. I will find out immediately after the interview if I have "passed."  I will then (God-willing) be "approved for ordination pending graduation from Eden Theological Seminary and a recognized call."  

5.  After that, I will send out my "profile," which is essentially a resume, to churches seeking pastors in the Western Reserve Association of Ohio and possibly a few other churches that are not far from Northeast Ohio.  I have to write the profile before I send it out, but I'm hoping to get that started in late February/early March. 

6.  Then I just wait.  I could find a job before I graduate or it could be a year or more.  Hopefully the former.  Once I agree to a position at a church, that is when I will be ordained.  

That's the gist of it.  I am really kicking it in gear this month, making sure I get the revisions to my thesis proposal turned in by January 17th, in addition to my J-term class, my internship, and the ordination stuff.  My poor, dear husband is reaping the consequences of my work load this month.  Our interactions are pretty limited to, "Do this theological concept and this theological concept contradict one another?" and "Can you make dinner tonight?"  I'll make it up to him someday.  

Little E, however, isn't as patient as Maic.  She won't let me "kick it in gear" as long as she has a say in it.  So during the day I spend all my time with her, wiggling a stuffed orangutan over her head and making up songs about giraffes and unicorns.  Then when Maic comes home from work, I retreat to the bedroom to get some reading, highlighting, and writing done.  

When I really get my priorities in order, I realize how grateful I am that Evelyn keeps me on the real "track." If it comes down to it, Ordination can wait.  Loving my family can't.  

In case you were wondering...

This is how I get work done: 

Well, during the weekdays, I just don't.  I am home alone with E and she's not very generous about sharing me with my schoolwork.  But in the evenings and on weekends, I get a lot done!  Evelyn has a wonderful daddy who takes awesome care of her.  When she is crying, he carries her around, sings to her, changes her diaper, and reads to her.  Most of the time, she's pretty happy when she is with him.  I think she loves him because of his glasses, on top of the fact that he's just a pretty cool guy.  

Evelyn is learning to play the baritone ukulele

When he can't get her to stop crying, it's usually because she's hungry.  So, I practice the art of nursing and typing one handed.  We're getting pretty good at it.  

When I really can't think straight, I head up to Cafe Nura, a cafe right next to our apartment complex.  I do work there, or sometimes just drink a cup of coffee and talk things out with Maic. 

What do I work on?  Right now, I'm working on this: 

My Ordination Paper-- This is hard stuff.  Really makes my head hurt. 

and this: 

My Master's Thesis on Language of the Body and Feminist Theology
in the Book of Judith (Haven't heard of it?  Then you must not be Catholic.
 It's an Apocryphal Book.) 

In fact, I just wrote my abstract yesterday!!  Wanna read it?  Yeah, probably not.  But if you do, let me know.  I'll send it-- it's only 100 words.  

and this:

A sweater I started before she was born
and finished (except for buttons) yesterday.  Still a bit big. 

And a hat with the leftovers. 

I knit for sanity purposes.  I have a lot of people ask me, "How do you have time to knit?"  Well, truthfully, I don't have time to not knit.  The rate of sweaters completed per week is congruent with the rate of articles read and pages written per week.  When I knit, I think (or don't think, sometimes) and when I go back to work I am entirely refreshed and inspired.  And as a bonus, Evelyn has a super warm wardrobe.  

Well, E is half asleep and Maic is writing.  I'm going to go back to work on my ordination paper and try to fit my theology of Jesus, including Incarnation, Atonement, and Resurrection in roughly 350 words.