A Lesson in Sabbath

I don't write much right now because every week is so busy.  I mean, SO busy.  Every week, I think, "next week I'll have time to do this..." and then something comes up.  This week, I got to Wednesday evening, counted the hours I'd worked since Monday, and came up with 30.  Knowing that I still had a funeral on Saturday (this afternoon) and a worship service on Sunday, and an accompanying sermon/homily for each, I took Thursday and Friday "off."  That was a good decision.  

I don't think many people understand all the work that goes into being a pastor.  I recently heard a colleague in ministry joke that when people ask her what she does, she says, "I'm a preacher on Sundays and the CEO of a non-profit during the week."  I think that's true.  I'm not complaining, just trying to explain.  The way my congregation volunteers is extraordinary, truly.  I couldn't ask for more.   But it's such a behind-the-scenes job.  So much of it is about presence and trust-building-- being there when people need you, being a role-model, keeping up with what's going on in the community and in the lives of members.  I can never really stop working.  But that's okay, I love it.  And one of the things I'm learning is that if I'm a role-model, then I must display appropriate care of myself and my own family.  I want others to take care of themselves and their families, so it's also my job to say, "I've already worked 30 hours this week and have about 15 hours of work that I must do before the week is over, so I will take tomorrow and Friday off," because if I don't, I'm telling everyone else that it's okay to overwork and under-nurture their relationships, and I don't believe that's healthy.  

Anyway, yesterday was a really good day off.  We went as a family to Appleton, to the Children's Museum.  It was a free day so it was really crowded, but we had a blast.  The children were supposed to wear costumes, so Evelyn wore her cowgirl outfit (a costume we didn't think she'd get to wear anywhere, she's already worn twice, and I think we'll do a tiny bit of trick or treating, so that makes three!).  She was thrilled that there were some children dressed as animals.  Right now she is obsessed-- I mean, obsessed-- with animals, especially cats, dogs, ducks, and lizards.  So when she saw a little boy dressed as a dog, she just stood next to him and barked and panted at him for several minutes.  She's also been pretending that she is a cat lately, crawling around meowing.  We don't have a cat right now and I'm beginning to feel guilty about that.  But, to be honest, I'm still on team Bearded Dragon, and I think Evelyn is too, but Maic says no.  There was actually a Bearded Dragon at the Children's museum and Evelyn was thrilled about it, but Maic said, "She just likes anything with eyes that moves."  I think I know what he's getting for Christmas...

The traveling exhibit was a bunch of scenes and activities from Children's books--
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats

Abuela by Arthur Dorros

Stackable snowmen from the Snowy Day

Little cowgirl stacking blocks

Climbing up a salad.  Where do they come up with these things?

So, here's my lesson in Sabbath for the day.  When you work too much, stop working.  When there's a free day at the children's museum, go.  And when you can put the baby to bed and watch Dancing With the Stars while knitting stuffed animals, do it. 

Coffee Shops

In St. Louis, on the days when our apartment seemed painfully small (gosh, was that every day?) we used to go up to this coffee shop called Cafe Nura (now Abode Coffee Shop) and just hang out and sip coffee.  When Evelyn was really little, we'd bring her up in her infant car seat and she would nap while we chatted, and when she got bigger we'd stick her in the high chair and give her a few books and toys.  I probably wrote about that coffee shop in about 90% of my pre-move blog entries.  

Well, when we moved it was one of the hardest places to say goodbye to.  It was full of so many great memories for us.  So many deep-breath moments, study breaks, and finally-some-adult conversations.  It seems impossible to replace. 

This morning we woke up early enough to go to a new place in Ripon called Palenque (aka Doomsday Donuts) and have some coffee before I had to get to the office.  It's no Cafe Nura, but I like the place a lot.  Plus they have these CRAZY specialty donuts (last week I had a root beer float donut!) and Evelyn would do a back-flip if it meant she could share a parfait with her Daddy.  Who knows, maybe it will become the new Cafe Nura, in time.  

That's a Year, Folks.

Today we are having a little get-together for Evelyn's first birthday with family and a few close friends.  Calling it a "party" is stretching it, but there will be cupcakes and presents.  Every day people tell me to soak up every moment and not take it for granted, so I am taking a break from packing today to celebrate her first year.  I'll post some photos later of her kitty cupcakes. :) Well, it's still actually a couple days short of Evelyn's first birthday, but I'm afraid the boxes and the moving van will overshadow my opportunity to write a sappy, cliche entry about what my first year as a mother was like.  So I decided to write the entry now, and I decided that this is my blog, so you can put up with my sappy cliches.

Let's start with the obvious.  I can't believe Evelyn has been alive for a whole year.  In so many ways, this year has seemed like eternity for us.  We've moved [almost] twice, I got my Master's degree, I lost my Grampa and my good friend Ryan, and I got called to my first pastorate.  It's not every year that all of that stuff happens.  But when I look at Evelyn, watch her trying to figure out how to walk on her own, and listen to her laugh and see her personality develop and grow, I feel like it's impossible that in 366 days (it was a leap year!) she went from the little baby that came out of my body to the practically-toddler she is today.

I was born to take care of people, and therefore fell into the role of mother pretty easily.  It feels as natural to me as breathing.  There are moments when I feel like my only option is to love her so deeply and so purely that she's the only thing in the whole world that ever mattered, and there are moments when I need to get away from her; when she annoys the pants off of me.  But the magical feeling of being someone's mother far outweighs any bad moment.

There is an empowerment that comes with being a mother.  For me, a lot of it is about this realization that she was created inside of me, I grew so that I could carry her in there, I gave birth to her, and I nourished her through breastfeeding.  That is all so important to me, but when it comes down to it, none of that makes a mother (which is exactly why you are no less a mother when you adopt or have medical problems in birth or can't/don't breastfeed).  What makes a mother is this superpower that comes when you have a child-- this love that defies all rationality, that makes you do crazy stuff, that makes you constantly reevaluate your life.  Keeping another human being alive through nurture is perhaps the most empowering task we are entrusted with.

I'm not a morning person, and I hate waking up early with an intense passion, but every single morning when I see her little face at 7:30 a.m. I can feel myself glowing with excitement that I get to be her mom for another day (then I pull the laptop out from under the bed and pull up Sesame Street on Netflix and pretend to watch it with her in bed, but really I always fall back to sleep).  I'm also not someone who is generally content with the way I look, and I am always able to find flaws in myself.  But being a mother (especially to a girl) is helping me to realize how important it is to love myself.  I don't want her to be down on herself, so I need to have the confidence that I want her to have.

I now understand why every parent thinks their child is the best one (I fear I'm going to be that PTA mom).  So, because Evelyn is the best, I also want to use this entry share with you some of my favorite things about her.  She has an artistic soul.  She will stare at a piece of art for as long as her attention span lasts.  She has done that since was was opening her eyes.  She's also a caring soul.  She knows when we are upset and she tries to sooth us with kisses, and often will even offer her pacifier if we are sad or sleepy.  She likes to take care of our dog Nos by petting him and giving him her food.  One of her favorite things to do is watch Nos eat.  She loves cats like every little girl should.  She will be laying under the kitchen table pretending she's a cat like her mommy used to do in no-time.  She is full of expressions, so you always know what's going on in her mind.  She doesn't hide anything.  She lets herself be vulnerable so you'll hold her and pay attention to her and she lets you know when she'd rather just play by herself.  Maybe every baby does, but I think it's a baby virtue.  She loves books.   She knows how to turn the pages by herself.  She likes everything her daddy likes.  They share favorite foods-- blueberries, watermelon, tofu, milk, and they both love Mommy. They also have the same face.

Overall, this has been an immensely successful and amazing year.  Every day I am more crazy-in-love with my husband, I am more certain about my call to ministry, and I am more excited about our life together as a family.  Taking the day off to celebrate this year is exactly what we should be doing.  Then Maic and I are off to Ripon with the moving van while Evelyn stays back with the G-parents from Tuesday to Friday.  Looking forward to a couple of full nights' sleep, but knowing full well (another thing I learned this year) that I'll probably be up all night worrying about her.

Seeing God; Seizing the Day

The process of searching for a church has brought my closer to God than I think I've ever been.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to understand that where I go from here is not what I want, but what God wants.  That's a hard thing to wrap one's mind around.  Much, much, much more easily said than accepted. 

It may be the free time that is bringing me closer to God, too.  I feel like I am taking time to see God more, and everything looks more beautiful.  I've been more conscious about taking time to pray and thank God for the gifts in my life (Yes friends, I confess that even as a pastor I often have trouble taking time to pray).  The free time is also bringing me close to my family.  We are having so much fun together.  We've been taking walks every morning to start the day.  We've even been baking bread together.  

My dear husband is as encouraging as can be.  He's honest, supportive, and challenging.  He believes in the search and call process and reminds me to trust in it when I struggle to.  When I ask him if he would want to live in XYZ city or state, he says "home is where you and Evelyn are." 

Aside from spending time with family, I've made sure to cram my schedule full of stuff.  I wouldn't be me if I didn't.  So I've joined the local clergy group, who meets every Tuesday for lunch.  I'm going to check out a weekly knitting group in town that a lot of the local clergy are a part of, too.  I posted on my previous entry that I'm preaching almost every week for the next month.  In non-church life, I've been hanging out with friends and family, including an old friend and her sweet baby Charlotte (whose blog is here; she might post some photos of the sweeties riding in Charlotte's wagon together), two of my best friends from college who have recently started dating each other (Maic and I occasionally get giddy about this as if it is our own relationship), and a few other friends.  We've been trying to seize the day, since we're not sure how long we'll be living this close, so we're trying to see our parents and my Gramma as often as possible.  We're also going to start doing some work on the house we're living in (which belongs to my in-laws) so that they can get it ready to either rent or sell.  

Life is good.  God is good.  Sorry I can't be more explicit about what's going on in my search.  I promise someday I'll let you know what's going on.  For now, I'm gonna keep it all confidential. 

Some Catching Up

It’s clear to me that I’m a product of an internet generation.  We moved to Oberlin slightly less than a week ago, and won’t have internet access in our home until this coming Tuesday.  I’m amazed at the anxiety that comes out of not checking my e-mail for a whole day.  Surely there’s a part of the anxiety that comes from being in the midst of a job search in which most of the communication is via e-mail, but the part of it that exposes me as inept at communicating with people/getting from one place to another/finding out information/listening to music is kind of embarrassing.  In desperation, I contacted the pastor of Oberlin UCC to see if I could use the church’s internet instead of having to pay for coffee every time I wanted to check my e-mail at a café.  Pastor David is so kind that he’s even issuing me a key to the church so that I can use it as a place to do my Skype interviews without a dog barking and a baby crying in the background (or incessantly screaming her version of “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay”—totally my fault for egging on a cute new vocal discovery). 

Speaking of dogs barking, our dog Nos is living with us once again.  We had to send him on vacation to Gramma and Grampa’s house for a few months back in October because this Mama could only handle so much.  It is awesome having him back.   He’s so good to Evelyn and she is just totally enamored with him.  Until you see a nine-month old “throw” a tennis ball for her dog, you’ve not seen cute (this is kind of where the incessant “yay” started). 

Having a house is just amazing.  Evelyn has her own bedroom, there’s a window in our kitchen, and we have a washer and dryer in our house.  With both of us temporarily out of work, we are having the best time just being a family.  We take walks every morning and sit out on the porch and talk or read.  We take family naps sometimes.  Life is so good, and I think when the time comes, I’ll be ready to go back to work. 

The search and call process is encouraging.  I think the UCC has a great set-up that allows for prayerful and intentional placements.  In the meantime, with the exception of this coming Sunday and the week I'm in Arizona, I'm preaching every Sunday for the next month and a half--making some money, doing what I love, getting to know other congregations.  

On Tuesday I'll be able to update more often.  I'll post some photos of the inside of our house and I'll get a list up of the churches I'll be preaching at this summer so that if you're interested and nearby, you can come worship with us.  

An Entry About Evelyn

Even though Evelyn never smiles for the camera, she does smile a lot.  The past few days she started doing this extra squint in her smile.  I know she got it from me.  She will smile like normal and then tilt her head a little and wrinkle up her nose and squint her eyes.  I do that to her all the time, and apparently she's picked up on it.  It's impossible to not laugh when she does it.  

She laughs now too.  She especially likes when she reaches for my mouth and I pretend I'm going to bite her hand off.  It's hilarious to her.  She also laughs when her daddy blows on her belly and she laughs at Yo Gabba Gabba.  She and her daddy both like Toodee the best.  The time we played her the Yo Gabba Gabba CD Uncle Paul got her for Christmas, she cried for 10 minutes because she heard it but couldn't see it.  (I swear, you guys, we don't watch it that much.) She hates being thrown up in the air or lifted high above my head.  When I do it, every single muscle in her body tenses up, and when I bring her back to me, she grips onto my arms with both hands like her little life depends on it.  Then she lays her head on my chest and slowly relaxes.  She gives kisses.  Big, slobbery, open-mouth kisses.  She gave them to me first, weeks ago, and just yesterday decided Daddy and stuffed animals are also worthy of the affection.  I take great pride in this, considering she smiled at Maic, every person with glasses, and every person under the age of eight at least a month before she smiled at me. 

Sunday was the first time since she was born that she didn't cry while I preached.  Since she was born, Maic always ends up walking back and forth with her in the Narthex during my sermons.  She hears me in the nursery and she won't stand for it.  I don't know if this is a sign of rebellion (ie: I don't wanna hear her preach) or a sign of support (ie: Get me out of this nursery; I need to be there for my Mama!) or a challenge (ie: I bet I can yell louder than you can preach!).  She also cries when I type on the computer.  This makes getting any work done very difficult.  She even wakes up sometimes when I type.  Sometimes I have to send an important e-mail to someone about school or something, and I'd be really embarrassed if they knew how slowly I typed it.  If I do one, maybe two letters at a time, sometimes she doesn't notice.  I look forward to seeing how she evolves into a PK-- Pastor's Kid.  

I finished my thesis today.  (Planning to write an entry on that soon) You'd think after all the time I put into it, hours of sleep I lost, and emotional roller coasters I went through while writing it, I'd be sound asleep right now, but I can't sleep.  A result of Coca-Cola, I think.  As I was laying in bed Evelyn started crying so I brought her next to me and nursed her until she fell back to sleep.  Usually, when she wakes me up at night (which is every night...twice) I am too grumpy to be grateful for her sweet little life.  I say something like, "Ev, seriously?" or "C'mon baby.  Go back to sleep."  But today, since I was already awake, I just looked at her for a while, stroked her hair, played with her fingers, and said to her what I don't say often enough.  "Thanks for being my baby."  

Finding Wonder

I took an absolutely necessary and absolutely lovely day off this weekend with my family and our good friend Stacy for her birthday.  We went to the Shaw Nature Reserve which is associated with the Missouri Botanical Gardens, but I had never been there before.  

I love being in nature, because it is so easy to meet God in everything I see, which was exactly what I needed to continue working on my thesis-- a reminder of God's presence and encouragement.  It's due in 17 days now, and I'm just chugging along.  

The sermon I preached for my ordination interview was all about having a sense of awe for God's Creation. I talked about the way that Evelyn looks at things and how much amazement she has for everything she sees.  Some of the photos that we took on our hike at Shaw Nature Reserve are perfect illustrations for this sermon.   They reflect the sense of wonder for God's Creation that Evelyn is helping us to discover.  One of my greatest hopes for her is that she will always have this much awe. 

This one is not at Shaw Nature Reserve, but instead at Maic's work.
 Look at that wind in her hair!  She is so happy.

Feeling the wildflowers

So beautiful

Looking for Crayfish

Aunt Stacy found her a Twirly Twig

Carrying the twirly-twig Stacy found for her

Grabbing the branches

She found a Daddy Long Legs,
and watched it until it was out of her sight

Still watching the Daddy Long Legs

Watching the Dandelion blow

Aunt Stacy teaching Evelyn about how flowers reproduce

Look at that HUGE tree!

Evelyn's not the only one in awe-- I love the way he looks at her! 

She is so perfect.