Feeding my Artist

My husband and I met with a common passion for the English language.  We were both writing majors in college, though he has always been a deeper writer than I.  His writing will make your head spin with emotions and new ways of looking at the world.  When I first read his poetry I used to think, I must not be smart enough to understand this, but now I know that his poetry is not intended to be understood at the brain-level; it's meant to speak to raw human emotions.  You're not supposed to use your smarts to understand; you're supposed to let go of any attempt to understand it with your head and just experience and perceive the way the chain of words make you feel. 

Circumstances have happened which have prevented me from writing like I did when we first met.  I still write.  Boy, do I write.  I write newsletter articles, sermons, prayers, e-mails, cards, grant proposals, more e-mails, Facebook statuses.  I don't write poetry anymore.  I don't write short stories anymore.  I don't even write liturgy anymore, even though it would easily fit into my job description.  It just doesn't happen.  

Maic writes every single day.  He writes poems and short stories, novellas, fiction and non-fiction, comic strips.  He writes liturgy. 

Sometimes it's painful for me to see him write.  I'm a tad jealous of him.  While he is writing about these deep, raw human experiences in rhythmic and expressive ways, I am struggling to express myself or did deeper into understanding who it is that God called me to be.  I don't want that jealousy to be misunderstood-- I am so, so proud of him for the work he puts into his writing; it's hard for me to be disciplined enough to carve out the time for it like he has learned to do.  I yearn for that self-discipline.  

I believe that I am an artist.  I don't always make the most beautiful art, but through the act of creating, God knows how to speak to my soul.  Writing, drawing, crafting, baking, painting, and even music are ways in which I'm able to understand what God wants to say to me and through me.   

So what am I getting at? 

I'm trying to say that it's no wonder that-- when I stopped writing poetry, when I stopped drawing, when I stopped making music, when I stopped baking-- my well ran dry.  

I'm not a very confident person about many aspects of my life but there are two things I can say with confidence: I'm a good mom and I'm a good pastor.  Even when my well is running dry, I can manage to find the love to give to my church and to my kids.  I can find the words to help them see God.  I can find the energy to serve.  But you can only serve and serve and serve so long before you pass out in the middle of church.  

That actually happened to me three weeks ago.  It was a tremendous wake-up call to realize that the life I was living wasn't going to be a sustainable way of life.  I can say that it was about poor nutrition and poor sleep habits and poor hydration, and that's all true and it's all stuff that I'm working on.  But there's more to it than that.  The root of this is that there is an artist in my soul who is starving.  How can I support other peoples' faith journeys when I can't even do what I have to do to facilitate my own relationship with God?  

So it's time for a new, more sustainable way to move forward.  It's time to draw and paint and write and express myself.  I don't want to make any definite promises about writing in this blog, because obviously my consistency with it comes and goes.  But I would like to look to my blog followers to hold me accountable for feeding my artist.  Pray for me, that I will make the time to create.  When you see me, ask me how my artistic endeavors are going.  Ask me what I'm working on.  Ask me when was the last time I spent some time expressing myself.  I think that's what I need to do to make sure that my marriage, my career, my soul, are able to thrive.   

Star Wars Reads

It has been with great anticipation that these guys have awaited Star Wars Reads day at the Ripon library.    

For a quaint little town, I love how much there is to do through this library.  They have a reading group for little ones once a week that they have been attending.  The groups are split into ages 6 months to 2 years and then I think 2-5 and 5+ or something like that.  But it sounds like a blast.  I love an opportunity for them to get out of the house and for Evelyn to interact with other kids.  And it seems like the majority of young families are really on board with the library, so there are always more families there than you'd expect for a small town.  They're also doing some great programming for Banned Books Week this week.  

Actually, I know it's silly and I overthink my job, but I think churches have a lot to learn from the way libraries are run-- appealing to all ages, getting people excited about their community, bringing people together, withstanding the test of time, while moving forward with the progression of technology and thought...

Anyway, enough of all that.  Now, I present to you Star Wars Reads day: 

A list of the events of the day

Is that a kitty?

Is that a doggie?  Shooting me in the head?

There was a Wookiee search throughout the hall...

Found Ballet Wookiee!

Then we made a Wookiee fortune teller (which horrified Evelyn), Darth Vader Origami (Darth Paper) and colored. 

Evelyn found a friend, and gave him a kiss.  I think she realized he wasn't a cat at this point. 

She's truly an artist.  Look at Daddy's her Darth Vader drawing! 

Growing up so fast!  Next thing we know she'll be leaving Tatooine.  

Lately...

Life has been something else lately.  I can't imagine many people get the opportunity to stay at home all day every day with their whole family for a couple months at a time.  We're having a blast, remembering that we will never get this opportunity again (God-willing; it's fun but unemployment isn't something we hope will happen again anytime soon).  We're moving to Ripon on August 27th, and my first Sunday will be September 2nd.  

I can't believe how quickly the days go by, still.  I've found myself several times almost in tears thinking about  how hard it will be for me to switch from staying home to full-time employment.  If the days go fast now, what will happen when I'm gone for most of the day?  At the same time, I am giddy-excited about starting my job.  I'm trying to come up with ideas that will make full-time employment and motherhood more balanced.  For example, I'm going to try to arrange for my workday to start later in the morning so that I can spend the mornings with Evelyn, and I want to lead a weekly afternoon Bible study in our home. 

We've been filling our days up pretty well, spending time with family and friends a lot and getting some stuff done that we might not have time for later like sorting books and repainting furniture.  We've also spent some time painting and clearing out the house we're living in so that my in-laws can rent it out when we move out.  We were clearing out the basement, and found this on one of the floor beams:  

It's a Catholic tradition-- the Blessing of the House, from the first year they lived there.  On the Feast of Epiphany each year, they use blessed chalk to write the first two numbers of the year, then the initials of each of the three kings-- Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar-- then the last two numbers of the year, then they say a prayer to bless the house for the year to come.  

We've also been preparing for Evelyn's first birthday.  We aren't having a big party-- just a few friends and family.  Below is her gift from us.  Don't tell her, but the big one is a bike seat so she can ride with us on our bikes and the top one is some cat pajamas.  She's obsessed with cats right now.  Incidentally, the last week for Evelyn has been full of milestones.  I think she is quite the talker for her age, but I don't really know what's normal.  She already says daddy (di-deeeeee), Nos (na), and mommy (which comes out, "Bob-Bob."  I kid you not), plus she meows at cats and says "Muh!" when she kisses, "Ummmmmm" when she eats, and "Oo!" when she plays peek-a-boo.  She isn't walking yet, but she will be any day now.  She just needs to realize she can let go.  

The past couple of days, the main thing that has been taking up my time is that I'm making curtains and some other things for our house in Wisconsin.  We never got the chance to set up Evelyn's nursery because at first she didn't have her own room and then when we moved to Ohio it was so uncertain, we didn't do anything special with her room.  So yesterday we went and picked out fabric for curtains, a crib sheet, and a pillow to go on the glider.  I finished it all much more quickly than I expected, so now I have to figure out which room to work on next.  

She sat on my lap while I sewed for far longer than I expected.  She's seriously the most patient baby that ever existed.  

You can kind of see in this photo that she has a little bruise under her right eye.  The story either goes that she got in a fight with a 15 month old ninja, or that she fell on a laundry basket.  You choose.  

Here is the finished crib sheet and one of the sets of cafe curtains.  We didn't have a curtain rod for this photo, so yes, they're on the Swiffer.  I'm really pleased with myself for this crib sheet.  I actually used this online tutorial.  If you are crafty at all, this is a great project.  It took me less than an hour.  

Well, just wanted to catch you all up.  Life is fun, and we're so excited for what's to come!  

Graduation Photobomb!

It has been one chaotic week.  Packing and loading the moving truck, graduation parties and other events, my parents were in town, I preached Sunday, had some search-and-call stuff ;-), and Evelyn is becoming quite the busy-body.  

This photo doesn't even begin to touch on
the true chaos of packing ...
I can't believe how much stuff we have!

So, my voice is completely gone and I am beat.  Evelyn and I are chilling today at our friend Stacy's house.  We're staying here most of the time for the next couple weeks before we move into the house in Oberlin.  I'm not one to use the TV as a babysitter, but days like this are meant for PBS, a box of toys, and some cheerios.  Of course, every time Evelyn gets a glimpse of one of Stacy's cats, she's off like a racehorse.  

Well, as long as we've got Sesame Street going on here, I'd love to fill you in on the graduation events.  On Monday night, Evelyn received her certificate for being a child of a graduate at an ice cream social.  They do this each year to recognize that this is a transition for the children of students too, most of them having lived for the past three years in Eden housing.  This year, only 5 children "graduated," but some years there are as many as 15.  

Well, her last name isn't actually Smith, but no harm done. 

She didn't seem to interested, but I must say she totally deserved it.

On Wednesday night, Maic and I left Evelyn with her grandparents who had come to town, and we went to the banquet held by professors for the graduating students.  My sweet husband had contacted his cousin Janelle who is a wonderful clothing designer, and asked her to make a dress for me.  It came just in time for me to wear it to the banquet, and she also sent a beautiful necklace that she made for me to wear with it.  I wish I'd taken better pictures, so you could see the necklace and the belt closer up.  

Well, the banquet was a blast.  The faculty sang a song together, Dr. Robertson told a hilarious story about the faculty as X-Men, and President Greenhaw delivered a brief sermon/speech.  We had a great time.  

On Friday morning, we had a worship service and Dr. Walter Brueggeman, one of the leading Old Testament scholars of our time, delivered the sermon.  It was a wonderful message.  

Evelyn was on the edge of her seat. 

Here is my whole graduating class-- 34 people. 

And Friday night was the real deal!  The commencement ceremony!  With a speech from Dr. Bracke, who retired this year.  I don't have a photo from the actual ceremony at this moment, but here are a couple at the reception afterwards. 

Okay guys, I'm almost done.  Are you starting to understand why Evelyn and I are doing nothing but watching PBS all day?  

On Saturday, a church member and friend, Pat, hosted a small open house for my graduation.  It was really fun-- I have some great friends!  My mom and dad bought me this t-shirt for graduation, remembering my post here. Unfortunately, my mom woke up with the flu on Saturday morning, so she was unable to come.  We felt horribly for her.  She ended up getting a motel room and crashing for 24 hours, and she is doing much better now and was even able to come here me preach on Sunday morning. 

  

Pat, the host of the reception and Evelyn and I.   That's Grandpa Grace behind us.  

Catherine and Evelyn thought the party was a bore...

...except when the dogs were around.
She loved chasing those dogs! 

A church member brought me this beautiful magnolia blossom.
 It smelled so good!

Finally, on Sunday morning I did my farewell sermon for First Congregational Church of Webster Groves.  They have been so good to me.  The church bought me my first preaching alb, which they presented to me during the children's sermon.

They also had a cake for me in the shape of a Bible! 

Plus, a while back the staff presented me with this gorgeous photograph taken by the office manager,
 Kristi , to whom I had mentioned in passing that I wanted to go up and take a picture of it.  Clearly this photo doesn't do it justice, but it is truly stunning. 

Sunday night, the three of us made our way over to Stacy's house and we just CRASHED.  I was just utterly exhausted.  I went to bed at 9:00.  I really feel like I've been running since the semester began, and now that graduation is over I get a break.  I'm looking forward to a summer of just being with my family, a couple of trips, preaching a few times in June and July, and being prayerful about my search and call process, which is, so far, going exceedingly well.  

Judith, Evelyn, and I

I've had a pretty busy week with my January term class and taking my ordination exam on Friday, so I haven't had a chance to blog.  However, I wanted to share this photo that our friend Stacy took at the art museum today.  It is Evelyn and I looking at a painting by Giorgio Vasari circa 1554 of Judith and Holofernes, the subject of my thesis. 

You know, I'm having some trouble figuring out the exact direction of my thesis and it's been a little bit frustrating.  But I think there are few things in my life that have made me feel as full of passion as when I talk about Judith.  I love learning about her.