On My Heart: A Mama Entry

Passing out candy for Trick or Treat--
don't worry, we weren't actually passing out half-eaten peanut butter sandwiches

Tonight Evelyn fell on her face on a hard tile floor and got a fat, bloody lip.  There was a Confirmation event at another local UCC, and because the only chance of me ever being introverted happens when I'm around children/teens between the ages of 11 and 17, I brought Evelyn with me.  She's my conversation starter.  She was chasing a balloon around their Fellowship Hall with her arms up in the air screaming "YAY!  YAY!  YAY!" and her socks slipped on the floor and she fell flat on her face.  I heard the sound of her mouth hitting the tile, and then the prolonged silence of breath-catching, and then...the wail.  

This isn't the first time Evelyn has fallen.  C'mon she's 14 months old and I'm not perfect.  There was the first time she fell off the bed, when she was 5 or 6 months old.  Then there was the time when she thought she could get off the bed the same way she gets off the couch, without realizing it's a foot taller.  There's every single time Nos walks passed her.  There are more times.  But this one...I don't know what it was...it broke my heart.  I felt like the pain was in me.  I couldn't stop licking my teeth and biting my lip as if it was my own pain.  

Things have been different lately between Evelyn and I.  Now that I work full-time, there have been several nights when she goes to bed and I cry for a minute or two--she doesn't need me now like she used to.  And it's not about age (although maybe some of it is connected to her weaning), it's about how 6 months ago I had never been away from her for more than a couple hours.  I was with her all but 9 or 10 hours a week.  We were like one entity.  I didn't know what it felt like to miss her.  I hardly knew what it meant to be without her.  

Sometimes, it's hard for me to accept the change in roles-- like that she and her daddy spend all their time together instead of her and I, or that Maic knows her schedule better than I do, or that only he is able to put her to bed successfully.  But on the other hand it's nice because I don't take her for granted anymore (not that I ever really did).  Now, it's like an event when I come home.  She jumps up and down when I'm the one to go get her out of her crib when she wakes up from a nap.  She grins from ear to ear when I walk in the door.  She wants to sit in my lap and give me kisses when I host Bible Study at our house.  

Nobody will ever have the relationship with her that I have.  The deep intimate connection that happens between a mama and her baby has nothing to do with the amount of time we get to spend together.  I don't know why I'm writing this all out, except to just express some emotions-- some Pastor Mom identity issues--I'm having.  It's nights like this, when I get to spend the evening doing my job while being with my baby, that I realize just how abundantly blessed I am.  When she gets hurt and it hurts me physically, I realize the wonder and uniqueness of the relationship we have.  I want to just live in this moment, cherish her toddlerhood, and bottle up the pure joy we both have when I walk in the door and she yells to me in excitement (Fully admitting that she still yells "DADDDYYYY";  I take it as a compliment).

Her "cheeeeeese" face

This is what a doggie says 

Being a mom sure is an emotional endeavor.  I wouldn't recommend it to the fainthearted.  Thanks for reading a heart-felt post.  Little fat-lip is in bed now.  I think she'll be just fine.  

That's a Year, Folks.

Today we are having a little get-together for Evelyn's first birthday with family and a few close friends.  Calling it a "party" is stretching it, but there will be cupcakes and presents.  Every day people tell me to soak up every moment and not take it for granted, so I am taking a break from packing today to celebrate her first year.  I'll post some photos later of her kitty cupcakes. :) Well, it's still actually a couple days short of Evelyn's first birthday, but I'm afraid the boxes and the moving van will overshadow my opportunity to write a sappy, cliche entry about what my first year as a mother was like.  So I decided to write the entry now, and I decided that this is my blog, so you can put up with my sappy cliches.

Let's start with the obvious.  I can't believe Evelyn has been alive for a whole year.  In so many ways, this year has seemed like eternity for us.  We've moved [almost] twice, I got my Master's degree, I lost my Grampa and my good friend Ryan, and I got called to my first pastorate.  It's not every year that all of that stuff happens.  But when I look at Evelyn, watch her trying to figure out how to walk on her own, and listen to her laugh and see her personality develop and grow, I feel like it's impossible that in 366 days (it was a leap year!) she went from the little baby that came out of my body to the practically-toddler she is today.

I was born to take care of people, and therefore fell into the role of mother pretty easily.  It feels as natural to me as breathing.  There are moments when I feel like my only option is to love her so deeply and so purely that she's the only thing in the whole world that ever mattered, and there are moments when I need to get away from her; when she annoys the pants off of me.  But the magical feeling of being someone's mother far outweighs any bad moment.

There is an empowerment that comes with being a mother.  For me, a lot of it is about this realization that she was created inside of me, I grew so that I could carry her in there, I gave birth to her, and I nourished her through breastfeeding.  That is all so important to me, but when it comes down to it, none of that makes a mother (which is exactly why you are no less a mother when you adopt or have medical problems in birth or can't/don't breastfeed).  What makes a mother is this superpower that comes when you have a child-- this love that defies all rationality, that makes you do crazy stuff, that makes you constantly reevaluate your life.  Keeping another human being alive through nurture is perhaps the most empowering task we are entrusted with.

I'm not a morning person, and I hate waking up early with an intense passion, but every single morning when I see her little face at 7:30 a.m. I can feel myself glowing with excitement that I get to be her mom for another day (then I pull the laptop out from under the bed and pull up Sesame Street on Netflix and pretend to watch it with her in bed, but really I always fall back to sleep).  I'm also not someone who is generally content with the way I look, and I am always able to find flaws in myself.  But being a mother (especially to a girl) is helping me to realize how important it is to love myself.  I don't want her to be down on herself, so I need to have the confidence that I want her to have.

I now understand why every parent thinks their child is the best one (I fear I'm going to be that PTA mom).  So, because Evelyn is the best, I also want to use this entry share with you some of my favorite things about her.  She has an artistic soul.  She will stare at a piece of art for as long as her attention span lasts.  She has done that since was was opening her eyes.  She's also a caring soul.  She knows when we are upset and she tries to sooth us with kisses, and often will even offer her pacifier if we are sad or sleepy.  She likes to take care of our dog Nos by petting him and giving him her food.  One of her favorite things to do is watch Nos eat.  She loves cats like every little girl should.  She will be laying under the kitchen table pretending she's a cat like her mommy used to do in no-time.  She is full of expressions, so you always know what's going on in her mind.  She doesn't hide anything.  She lets herself be vulnerable so you'll hold her and pay attention to her and she lets you know when she'd rather just play by herself.  Maybe every baby does, but I think it's a baby virtue.  She loves books.   She knows how to turn the pages by herself.  She likes everything her daddy likes.  They share favorite foods-- blueberries, watermelon, tofu, milk, and they both love Mommy. They also have the same face.

Overall, this has been an immensely successful and amazing year.  Every day I am more crazy-in-love with my husband, I am more certain about my call to ministry, and I am more excited about our life together as a family.  Taking the day off to celebrate this year is exactly what we should be doing.  Then Maic and I are off to Ripon with the moving van while Evelyn stays back with the G-parents from Tuesday to Friday.  Looking forward to a couple of full nights' sleep, but knowing full well (another thing I learned this year) that I'll probably be up all night worrying about her.

Some Catching Up

It’s clear to me that I’m a product of an internet generation.  We moved to Oberlin slightly less than a week ago, and won’t have internet access in our home until this coming Tuesday.  I’m amazed at the anxiety that comes out of not checking my e-mail for a whole day.  Surely there’s a part of the anxiety that comes from being in the midst of a job search in which most of the communication is via e-mail, but the part of it that exposes me as inept at communicating with people/getting from one place to another/finding out information/listening to music is kind of embarrassing.  In desperation, I contacted the pastor of Oberlin UCC to see if I could use the church’s internet instead of having to pay for coffee every time I wanted to check my e-mail at a café.  Pastor David is so kind that he’s even issuing me a key to the church so that I can use it as a place to do my Skype interviews without a dog barking and a baby crying in the background (or incessantly screaming her version of “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay”—totally my fault for egging on a cute new vocal discovery). 

Speaking of dogs barking, our dog Nos is living with us once again.  We had to send him on vacation to Gramma and Grampa’s house for a few months back in October because this Mama could only handle so much.  It is awesome having him back.   He’s so good to Evelyn and she is just totally enamored with him.  Until you see a nine-month old “throw” a tennis ball for her dog, you’ve not seen cute (this is kind of where the incessant “yay” started). 

Having a house is just amazing.  Evelyn has her own bedroom, there’s a window in our kitchen, and we have a washer and dryer in our house.  With both of us temporarily out of work, we are having the best time just being a family.  We take walks every morning and sit out on the porch and talk or read.  We take family naps sometimes.  Life is so good, and I think when the time comes, I’ll be ready to go back to work. 

The search and call process is encouraging.  I think the UCC has a great set-up that allows for prayerful and intentional placements.  In the meantime, with the exception of this coming Sunday and the week I'm in Arizona, I'm preaching every Sunday for the next month and a half--making some money, doing what I love, getting to know other congregations.  

On Tuesday I'll be able to update more often.  I'll post some photos of the inside of our house and I'll get a list up of the churches I'll be preaching at this summer so that if you're interested and nearby, you can come worship with us.  

Graduation Photobomb!

It has been one chaotic week.  Packing and loading the moving truck, graduation parties and other events, my parents were in town, I preached Sunday, had some search-and-call stuff ;-), and Evelyn is becoming quite the busy-body.  

This photo doesn't even begin to touch on
the true chaos of packing ...
I can't believe how much stuff we have!

So, my voice is completely gone and I am beat.  Evelyn and I are chilling today at our friend Stacy's house.  We're staying here most of the time for the next couple weeks before we move into the house in Oberlin.  I'm not one to use the TV as a babysitter, but days like this are meant for PBS, a box of toys, and some cheerios.  Of course, every time Evelyn gets a glimpse of one of Stacy's cats, she's off like a racehorse.  

Well, as long as we've got Sesame Street going on here, I'd love to fill you in on the graduation events.  On Monday night, Evelyn received her certificate for being a child of a graduate at an ice cream social.  They do this each year to recognize that this is a transition for the children of students too, most of them having lived for the past three years in Eden housing.  This year, only 5 children "graduated," but some years there are as many as 15.  

Well, her last name isn't actually Smith, but no harm done. 

She didn't seem to interested, but I must say she totally deserved it.

On Wednesday night, Maic and I left Evelyn with her grandparents who had come to town, and we went to the banquet held by professors for the graduating students.  My sweet husband had contacted his cousin Janelle who is a wonderful clothing designer, and asked her to make a dress for me.  It came just in time for me to wear it to the banquet, and she also sent a beautiful necklace that she made for me to wear with it.  I wish I'd taken better pictures, so you could see the necklace and the belt closer up.  

Well, the banquet was a blast.  The faculty sang a song together, Dr. Robertson told a hilarious story about the faculty as X-Men, and President Greenhaw delivered a brief sermon/speech.  We had a great time.  

On Friday morning, we had a worship service and Dr. Walter Brueggeman, one of the leading Old Testament scholars of our time, delivered the sermon.  It was a wonderful message.  

Evelyn was on the edge of her seat. 

Here is my whole graduating class-- 34 people. 

And Friday night was the real deal!  The commencement ceremony!  With a speech from Dr. Bracke, who retired this year.  I don't have a photo from the actual ceremony at this moment, but here are a couple at the reception afterwards. 

Okay guys, I'm almost done.  Are you starting to understand why Evelyn and I are doing nothing but watching PBS all day?  

On Saturday, a church member and friend, Pat, hosted a small open house for my graduation.  It was really fun-- I have some great friends!  My mom and dad bought me this t-shirt for graduation, remembering my post here. Unfortunately, my mom woke up with the flu on Saturday morning, so she was unable to come.  We felt horribly for her.  She ended up getting a motel room and crashing for 24 hours, and she is doing much better now and was even able to come here me preach on Sunday morning. 

  

Pat, the host of the reception and Evelyn and I.   That's Grandpa Grace behind us.  

Catherine and Evelyn thought the party was a bore...

...except when the dogs were around.
She loved chasing those dogs! 

A church member brought me this beautiful magnolia blossom.
 It smelled so good!

Finally, on Sunday morning I did my farewell sermon for First Congregational Church of Webster Groves.  They have been so good to me.  The church bought me my first preaching alb, which they presented to me during the children's sermon.

They also had a cake for me in the shape of a Bible! 

Plus, a while back the staff presented me with this gorgeous photograph taken by the office manager,
 Kristi , to whom I had mentioned in passing that I wanted to go up and take a picture of it.  Clearly this photo doesn't do it justice, but it is truly stunning. 

Sunday night, the three of us made our way over to Stacy's house and we just CRASHED.  I was just utterly exhausted.  I went to bed at 9:00.  I really feel like I've been running since the semester began, and now that graduation is over I get a break.  I'm looking forward to a summer of just being with my family, a couple of trips, preaching a few times in June and July, and being prayerful about my search and call process, which is, so far, going exceedingly well.  

Changes

We are in full-fledged packing mode over here.  The three of us aren't leaving Missouri until June 2nd, but the moving van is leaving with my parents on May 21st.  They're coming for my graduation and it seemed like a better plan for them to fly in and drive the van back than for us to drive 10 hours in two separate vehicles with a nine month old.  I really don't want to rush the packing process and I want to enjoy all of the events leading up to graduation, so I've been trying to do a little bit each day.  Yesterday I rocked at packing and cleaning.  Like, I literally worked nonstop all day, and I think the entire living room is packed and the bathroom is organized in a way that we can still use it but everything's ready to go.  

The memories are starting to flow.  We've been remembering the move out here and how we thought this apartment was the most amazing place in the world.  It was, after all, our first home.  We found the photos we took when we signed the lease back in March 2009.  The apartment looked so huge to us then.  In one of them, you can see a tree out the window that is still there, and we both were amazed by how much it grew.  I guess, to be sappy, we've really grown too.  We don't fit here anymore.  I don't even think that has as much to do with having a baby as you would think, either.  We're just growing.  We're just ready to move on.  But that doesn't mean we can't be a little teary when we say goodbye to our first home.  

This was a huge weekend for Evelyn.  Ever since she figured out how to move those roly-poly knees, she hasn't stopped crawling.  I was really hoping she'd hold off until we were in our new place, because this one is absolutely impossible to babyproof.  Every time I turn around she is going after a cord or a stack of papers or a glass of water.  

Then yesterday she was super grumpy and I put her on my lap for a minute and she looked at me with her "peanut mouth" (as we like to call it when she's crying and her mouth takes a peanut shape) and said, "Maaama."  I almost died.  She kept saying it all afternoon, but not to anything or anyone in particular.  It's not associative yet, but it's still pretty awesome.  I feel so loved.

So this morning I did my daily check for teeth-- the one I've been doing for at least 4 months now-- and she had a sharp little bottom tooth!  It's not really visible, but it's definitely there.  How fun!  People are always talking about how kids grow up so fast and to enjoy every moment, so we are trying to do just that.  Instead of saying, "Slow down!" or "I miss when she used to..." we are trying to really live in the moment, so that we will have no regrets.  We're not going to stop her from growing up, so we need to cherish every different stage of her life.  Whether it's how different we were when we moved here three years ago, or how much Evelyn changes from a Friday to a Sunday, it truly is essential to soak up every moment.  

An Entry About Evelyn

Even though Evelyn never smiles for the camera, she does smile a lot.  The past few days she started doing this extra squint in her smile.  I know she got it from me.  She will smile like normal and then tilt her head a little and wrinkle up her nose and squint her eyes.  I do that to her all the time, and apparently she's picked up on it.  It's impossible to not laugh when she does it.  

She laughs now too.  She especially likes when she reaches for my mouth and I pretend I'm going to bite her hand off.  It's hilarious to her.  She also laughs when her daddy blows on her belly and she laughs at Yo Gabba Gabba.  She and her daddy both like Toodee the best.  The time we played her the Yo Gabba Gabba CD Uncle Paul got her for Christmas, she cried for 10 minutes because she heard it but couldn't see it.  (I swear, you guys, we don't watch it that much.) She hates being thrown up in the air or lifted high above my head.  When I do it, every single muscle in her body tenses up, and when I bring her back to me, she grips onto my arms with both hands like her little life depends on it.  Then she lays her head on my chest and slowly relaxes.  She gives kisses.  Big, slobbery, open-mouth kisses.  She gave them to me first, weeks ago, and just yesterday decided Daddy and stuffed animals are also worthy of the affection.  I take great pride in this, considering she smiled at Maic, every person with glasses, and every person under the age of eight at least a month before she smiled at me. 

Sunday was the first time since she was born that she didn't cry while I preached.  Since she was born, Maic always ends up walking back and forth with her in the Narthex during my sermons.  She hears me in the nursery and she won't stand for it.  I don't know if this is a sign of rebellion (ie: I don't wanna hear her preach) or a sign of support (ie: Get me out of this nursery; I need to be there for my Mama!) or a challenge (ie: I bet I can yell louder than you can preach!).  She also cries when I type on the computer.  This makes getting any work done very difficult.  She even wakes up sometimes when I type.  Sometimes I have to send an important e-mail to someone about school or something, and I'd be really embarrassed if they knew how slowly I typed it.  If I do one, maybe two letters at a time, sometimes she doesn't notice.  I look forward to seeing how she evolves into a PK-- Pastor's Kid.  

I finished my thesis today.  (Planning to write an entry on that soon) You'd think after all the time I put into it, hours of sleep I lost, and emotional roller coasters I went through while writing it, I'd be sound asleep right now, but I can't sleep.  A result of Coca-Cola, I think.  As I was laying in bed Evelyn started crying so I brought her next to me and nursed her until she fell back to sleep.  Usually, when she wakes me up at night (which is every night...twice) I am too grumpy to be grateful for her sweet little life.  I say something like, "Ev, seriously?" or "C'mon baby.  Go back to sleep."  But today, since I was already awake, I just looked at her for a while, stroked her hair, played with her fingers, and said to her what I don't say often enough.  "Thanks for being my baby."  

Chaos, Balance, Self-Care

I'm really really really trying to find a place for self-care in my life.  I hate that there are days that taking care of Evelyn is a chore... and that there are days that I dread writing my thesis... and that I see the "job" search as an insurmountable obstacle.

Really, Evelyn is the most amazing baby-- so patient and loving and really hilarious.  It's a treat to be with her.  I am extraordinarily passionate about my thesis and so excited to tell people what's going on in my head.  And if I am looking at ministry as a job rather than a calling, I need to reassess.

It's just hard because there's so much going on right now that I feel like I don't have time for self-care.  At the same time, I realize that when I don't stop for a while and take a break, I'm totally unproductive.  Yesterday I took a two hour long nap, and immediately after I wrote seven pages of my thesis.  How great is that?

So now, since I noticed myself being unproductive, I'm writing a blog entry.  Evelyn is with her godmother, Stacy, for the morning and I'm home by myself.  We are housesitting this week, which I'm loving.  I'm considering locking the family out on Saturday when they return because, frankly, I like their house better than our apartment.  Also, there are chickens.  

They follow Maic around like they're his fan club.  

I took half of the kitchen table and claimed it as my work space.  Nothing that doesn't have to do with my thesis or classes is allowed on this half of the table, except for these flowers that Maic bought me in celebration of my ordination interview (actually, I handed them to him while we were grocery shopping...but you know, romance is in the eye of the beholder.)

I made this card to keep on my workspace too, as an idea from Rabbi Dr. Ryan Dulkin  who is
a candidate for the  Biblical Studies position at Eden.  It's apparently a Jewish tradition...

On one side...

...and on the other.  A reminder to live in the balance of self-love and humility.
A practice I need desperately.  

 Meanwhile, not on the work half of the table... 

Sock bunnies!  

So much of my life right now is about balance.  I know it seems that when I write entries like this, they are full of chaos.  Thesis, Jewish practices, and sock bunnies?  Joanna, what are you doing?  The fact is, for the next two months before graduation, my life is full of chaos.  But don't we have a God who lives and works in the chaos?  The world was created out of chaos.  The covenant with Noah was built upon the chaos of a land ruined by water.  The new covenant in Jesus Christ was made in the midst of anger and murder, blood and splinters and then continued into the morning in the confusion of the mysterious and absurd incident of the resurrection.  I believe that God is living and working with me now, becoming known to me through my scattered mind-- showing up as I feed the chickens rice out of the palm of my hand (did you know chickens eat rice?), as I nurse my teething baby throughout the night as she tosses and turns in pain, and as I write about this woman, and try to tell people that she is more than a murderer.

Judith, Pallaiuolo, 1470. 

This is a time to love the fact that being pastor and being mom, being crafter and being student, being wife and being self, being created in the image of God and being but dust and earth, are all both chaos and balance.  

I'm just trying to figure that out.  

Why Writing My Ordination Paper is So Hard

The first draft of my ordination paper is due on Thursday.  This is the basic prompt, but it is a bit more complex than this: 

One of the last steps in the Discernment process is the writing of an ordination essay, a theological essay of approximately 4,000 words (16 pages) in which the candidate sets forth her or his Christian experience, sense of call to the ministry, and articulates, as clearly as possible, his or her understanding and appropriation of classical theological concepts.

I have been writing it since November, on a lovely afternoon when Evelyn was taking a nap and the three of us went up to Cafe Nura with a yellow pad of paper and a pen and I talked my way through my theology of God, Christ, Holy Spirit, Scripture, Humanity, Christian Education, the Church (local to universal), and Ordination.  After that talk, I had so much written on that pad of paper that I was sure the actual execution of the essay would be a cinch. 

It is now two days before its due date and I have three separate documents in a folder entitled "Ordination Paper"-- Ordination Paper, Ordination Paper 2, and Ordination Paper 3.  Funny how the only thing actually due on Thursday is a draft. 

I've been on edge about it.  Quite moody, actually.  I can't write it if the dishes are dirty or if Evelyn is awake.  I can't write it if it's cold outside or when the construction workers are noisy (and they are).  I can't write it at my office at First Congo or in my apartment or at the cafe. 

These are all ridiculous excuses.  Why is this so hard?  

I was thinking about it just now, in the shower, after yelling at Maic for being so "negative" about my ordination paper (he wasn't) and realized that the reason this is so hard is because this paper has so much emotion wrapped up in it. 

It's been almost exactly seven years since I received my call to ministry on January 23rd, 2005.  Writing this paper and talking about my ordination process is bringing back so many memories of people who have been involved my my call and moments when I have questioned and moments when I have felt so sure.  My head is just very full.  

As I write my paper, I am thinking about my friend, Kris Doychak, who served as a youth delegate to General Synod with me in 2005, smiling at me as the two of us held up our voting cards to approve the UCC Resolution in support of Marriage Equality.  He died in 2006.  Too soon.  I am thinking about my Grandpa Smyres, who was already in the beginning stages of dementia when I realized my passion for theology.  I never even knew how into theology he was himself until it was too late, so now I have theological discussions with him through underlines and margin notes in his old books.  I am remembering the more recent deaths of my Grandpa Smith and friend and colleague Ryan Matthews (who, too, wrote his ordination paper), who I never even really got to mourn because I have been so wrapped up in Evelyn and school.  And I'm thinking about my first sermons, preached at First Congregational UCC of Berea, in the sanctuary that is now a concert hall for Baldwin-Wallace College.  

A photo of Ryan Matthews, at his memorial service at Eden Chapel,
taken by Katie Hotze and stolen from Facebook by me. 

First Congregational UCC of Berea, Ohio, 2008. 

Additionally, I'm thinking of friendships that have faded away.  There are people who were so strongly a part of my early call who I have, for some reason or another, not spoken to in a long time.  Namely, my boyfriend at the time with whom I spent every waking hour for three years and who was with me as I first came to terms with who God was calling me to be, my Sunday School teacher and youth group leader who probably knew I was called before I did, but for reasons I either don't remember or don't understand, we stopped talking, and the religion department faculty at Baldwin-Wallace College, brilliant men and women, most of whom I haven't spoken to since I graduated.  

Our Confirmation banner, put together collaboratively with
Patty Collins, Rev. Kurt Katzmar, and the confirmation class
at a little association-owned cabin on the lake in Ohio.  

Finally, I'm remembering moments.  Like the thin places where the space between Heaven and Earth was barely there-- like my two summers in France and Eastern Europe when I realized that Van Gogh didn't make up those colors-- God's Creation really is that beautiful, our wedding when we brought together our two faith traditions in an attempt to demonstrate the way "that they may all be one" (John 17:21), and of course the moment when I pressed my baby's cheek to my lips for the first time.  And the struggles-- that same time in Europe when I thought I didn't need God anymore because I had mountains and endless fields of poppies and summer flings, the beginning of my relationship with Maic when I was desperately in love but not Catholic enough, and the times when Seminary just seemed like too much.  

Atop Les Alpilles in Southern France, 2007

My first day in St. Louis, waiting for the Fall Semester to start, 2009

Our wedding, co-officated by
Reverend Martha Chenault and Father James Ols, 2010

Miss Evelyn, minutes old, 2011. 

So how on earth does one flesh out a comprehensive theology when these thoughts are piling up and taking over my brain?  That's my dilemma.  That's why it's so hard.  

But guys, I hope you're not reading this wrong.  I'm not trying to complain about having to write this paper (it's a really great exercise and I'm glad I have to do it) or say that I'm bothered by all these thoughts.  All I want to say is that writing this paper is like sitting in a room with all of these people, traveling to these places, and reliving these events.  Could you write a paper with that many distractions?  And I only named a few!

Well, I do have 2,600 out of 4,000 words down.  And the first sentence is, "I am extraordinarily blessed."