Monday, November 5, 2012

Shopping With a Toddler, the Answers to the Questions You've Been Asking

I just realized that my blog has had over 10,000 views.  That blows my mind.  I wanted a blog for a long time, but I just never followed through with it.  This one has been good for me.  I like sharing my life with people.  I like the exercise of deciphering what is appropriate to share and what is not.  I like writing.  

So thank you, thank you, thank you for reading it.  I am so honored. 

Evelyn is basically not a baby anymore.  She took off after a little girl with light up shoes at Target the other day and I almost lost her.  I mean, I think she was running faster than I can.  I'm beginning to understand other parents better.  It's not that I was ever the person glaring and saying, "control your kids" in public.  I've always thought parenting is an artform and I still do, but now I am beginning to understand things more clearly.  For example, questions I didn't understand before, but know the answers to now (for now...I think they change weekly): 

Q:  Why don't you just put your toddler in the seat on the cart and buckle her in?  Then you won't have to chase her?
A:  She will flip the %&@*! out. 

Q:  Why did you open that box of goldfish crackers before you paid for it?
A:  At the mere sight of cardboard packaging (food or not), my bottomless pit will say "MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM" until I feed her.  So I chose to feed her now.  

Q:  Why is your child screaming?
A1: Because I didn't open the box of goldfish crackers.  
A2: Because I made her sit in the cart.  
A3: Because I won't let her have the motion-sensor fluffy, meowing cat that they had to put on the stupid end-cap instead of hidden down the toy aisle, where we do not go.  
A4: Because I didn't let her chase that little girl's light-up shoes. 

Q: Why is your child crying on the floor?  Pick her up!
A: If I pick her up, she will cry harder.  She will also punch and kick me until I put her back down.  Therefore, I will wait 10 seconds for her mood to swing back to normal, because a toddler's mood lasts exactly 10 seconds before resetting to better, worse, the same, frantic, silly, or asleep.  At that point, I will evaluate whether we should leave or stay.  

Q:  If it's so hard to shop with her, why didn't you leave her at home?
A:  You're right.  I will just stop shopping.  The only place I will go is to work.  Then when my child is 14, I will allow her to go to Target.  We will all be perfectly well-adjusted.    

Q:  Why didn't you change her before you left the house so you didn't have to change her on the changing table in the bathroom?
A:  I did.  And then she pooped. 

Q:  Why didn't you feed her before you left the house so you didn't have to feed her when she saw the cardboard box that resembled food packaging?
A:  I did.  She is bottomless. 

Q: (asked by the cashier)  Oh, she is so sweet, does she want a sticker? *hands baby a sticker without waiting for reply*
A1: She does want that sticker.  She wants it in her mouth.  She wants it to go through her digestive tract.   
A2: She does want that sticker.  She will accidentally wad it up and get it stuck to the bottom of her shoe.  Then she will cry hysterically until you give her another sticker.  By that time we will be miles away from another sticker.  Halfway through the 25 minute commute from our house to Target.  

Anyone else have any to add? 

1 comment:

  1. You couldn't of said it better! How about why does your child keep pulling down your top? Can't you stop him or wear something else?
    The kid would pull down a turtle neck to grab my boobs. There's no stopping him. They should be lucky he doesn't pull it up like at home.


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